Hey Pastor Guy.
I stopped going to The Big Church around 4 months ago or something. You know this.
I don't call myself a Christian anymore. I hate hypocrisy more than anything, and I refuse to call myself something that I am not. The fact of the matter is, I tried for my entire life to be the person the bible and The Big Church said I needed to be. I wanted to be pure; I wanted to be a servant. I wanted to be righteous. But I wasn't good at it. For as long as I can remember, I have never felt like I was doing a good enough job. I struggled with pornography and self-image and grades for all of middle school and high school. I wanted to try drugs; I wanted to drink; I wanted to have sex. And I knew that was wrong. But I was never able to push those things out of my head. And thus, I was not a God-Honoring person.
And more than anything, I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I knew that the church said I was part of their family, and my friends at The Big Church and I always called ourselves "brothers". But I always felt like I was just being tolerated by everybody. That it was all some sort of facade. And since I didn't know how to define myself in Christ or in who I wanted to be, I barely tolerated myself as well. I always thought that was my fault.
The I left. I left church, I left Jesus, and I waited to see what my "family" would say. You know what they've said?
Nothing. I haven't heard a word from anyone but a few of my very close friends. Pastor Intern guy talks to me, and I think Worship Leader Guy sent an email. But no one else from my dearly beloved "family" has really spoken to me.
I know that some of you have something to say. Pastor Guy, I know that you have something to say.
Why on earth haven't you said it? Why haven't any of you said anything? Part of the reason I left was because I wanted to know if anyone in my "family" actually cared about me as a person. And no one has said a word.
I suppose that I, what with my pot-smoking sex-having pinko-commie-intellectual ways have no moral ground on which to judge anyone. And I never really had that moral ground, anyway. But isn't that silence against what you believe? It seems that I was taught to chase after people exactly like me. I was taught to be a light to people who needed Jesus and that God put in me in their lives so that he could use me to get to them.
But no one's come after me, Pastor Guy. Because I left The Big Church, does this pursuit exclude me?
I guess I just wanted to hear something. I want to hear that you're angry or disappointed or sad or something. The Big Chuch must have an opinion.
Why doesn't anyone care? Why are you silent?
--Josh
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1 comment:
You are not the hypocrite in this tale of truth and tragedy.
I have read this several times, mostly because it articulates a story so close to that of my own. And I've always wanted to say something about it. And today, when I stumbled upon the blog of an old friend who reached out to me a time ago, I could find no advice in the hidden and many recesses of my mind that I feel so obligated to return. I only could come up with the idea, that no matter how bad they think we feel for abandonning our "faith", they're the only ones dealing with the guilt. It's the "faithful followers" dealing with feelings of infildelity. They're the ones not living out the lives they claim to be dedicated to. We were honest. How do they feel when they lie to themselves? Maybe we are "wrong", but in whose eyes? The only solid conclusion I have come to in my quest for ultimate understanding of this subject is that children should not be in church. Children deserve choices. A life in The Big Church does not include choices. We grew up in a place that promised much, taught nothing, and all together helped us realize the life we DIDN'T want. One option down, the rest of my breathing moments to decide on the thousands of others. Good luck on your path.
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