Friday, October 21, 2005

ok, spilling time.

In order to sort through things, i need to put down everytihng i feel in one place. Thats what this thing is for. Its not going to be anything new, cause anyone who actually reads this thing already knows whats going through my head.


I never seen myself reduced to such a wreck. I really haven't. I've been distracted by the same freaking thing for 5 months now. My brain has CONSTANTLY been a certian somewhere else. It makes me so angry! For 3 weeks of the summer i was someplace completly isolated from her and i still managed to get distracted. What sort of awesomeness could have taken place if i had been COHERENT?? I feel like i've let christ down. Cause i have. I mean, yeah we all do but this is just pathetic.

This entire thing went from good to great to Height of Awesomeness and immediatly went plunging down into the depths of Ugly and Horrid and Painful. At least for me. Not even sure if she cares. I have felt ugly, unactractive, somewhat worthless, and utterly retarded. And what went down supports all of those things. Its horrible!! And the worst thing is is that i know none of it is true, but i dont know it at the same time.

I have a great need to leave this thing where it belongs, in some pit. I need to drop it and never pick it up again. But i cannot find any way to jettison these feelings, to forget any of it. And i cannot stop thinking about it.

I have driven myself officially mad. And gosh darn it, its frustrating!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey, Josh
I didn't read your entry thing, but hey. Im writing you aren't I? So, how are you? I am going to Mexico with a friend on the 14th of this month and not getting back until the first of December, so I can't go to Reliant K. I was actually thinking of you today. Like, I was listening to Kutless and thainking of all the people I've met at concerts and you came to mind. Ur awesome. Keep lovin God, dude.
-krystal

Anonymous said...

sorry bout the ononymous thing, I forgot my password:$
-krystal

krystal said...

Hey, I found out my user name and password, so now Ill leave it:P

krystal said...

I am going to Pueblo, Mexico. I have to be at the airport at like 3:30 in the morning. Man, Talk about not getting any sleep. It'll be rad.