Monday, November 14, 2005

the Desire

I have an interesting connundrum before me.

I have a lesson to learn about God's perfect love. Its been coming to me for a while now. Because of several different things, I have been lately looking for emotional fufilment in places besides God's heart. This is something that needs to be remedied.

Tonight, i found myself talking through this with a friend of mine. The way i get to a problem is to say everything i think about it until something stops making sense to me and i can figure out why. I got there tonight.

I have an esteem complex. I really do not see myself as an attractive person, due to many things people have said/done to me in the past, and in my narrow High School world that makes me not as good as everyone surrounding me who is. I spent a weekend at CuddleFest 2005 (gotta love church kids on a ministry retreat, damn) and i couldnt figure out whether i was more frustrated with the fact that i had to look at it all the time or the fact that it was not me being laid on top of. Thus tonight i'm feeling especially ugly. Woohoo, less complaining more explaining.

So, in my mind, in order for something(s) that people have made clear to me over and over and over again (or perhaps they havent, and i'm just a negative nancy. No matter at this point) to all of a sudden be untrue, someone hasta prove it to me. In this case, someone has to prove to me that i am an attractive and allright guy. Otherwise i'm never going to believe it.

My freind tried to convince me that being attractive isn't all about looks and that intelligence is a much bigger factor. I told her to draw me a map to the magical land where thats actually true, cause i must be in the wrong country. Nobody is proving to me that having a halfway-brilliant hunk of brain upstairs is more attractive than a smooth tounge and nice abs. They are continually telling me the opposite. Example: I have certian friend ask me tonight about the moral implications of her Non-Commital Make Out session with some dude i dont know. I'm not condemning nor commending NCMOs, but the entire time were talking about this i'm thinking, "why didnt she ever consider making out with me on a non-commital basis? I'm a fairly cute guy, and i'm nice! She said so herself!" To my knowledge, no one has ever had a desire to stick their face on mine. At least not a strong enough desire to manifest. And that sort of hurts. Actually, not even sort of. Just hurts.

So since no one is proving to me that i'm an attractive and therefore worthful person in highschool terms, that must mean i'm ugly and worthless, right?

...Jesus didn't think so.

After being educated on the Hebrew cultural context of Jesus's ministry, i understand all the more fully what it meant when jesus chose his disciples. And in turn chose me. Jesus has proven to me that i am worthful. He thinks i'm something special.

therefore, by my own model, i must be something special. He proves it to me by allowing me to be his disciple, his 'talmid', and to try and be just like him.

Back in the day, that was a priviledge that Rabbi such as Jesus only gave to the best of the best.

So logically, i'm worth something.

...but i still want to be wanted by a girl.
...i still really wish my friend was making out non-commital-ly with me instead of the guy i don't know.
...and i still want to be worth something in highschool terms.

as shallow as that is, and as much of a mistake it would be to try and seriously pursue those things, i want them.

I'm almost believing that i've been given a choice.

I really wonder if God would give me those 3 things if i asked for them. If he would allow me to make and therefore learn from that mistake.

(cause after all, no one has thought i was attractive up to now, right? it would take God's intervention for that to happen. ::chuckles softly::)

I wonder.

And i wonder if i have the guts enough to actually ask for it.



Anonymous said...

i can't speak for everyone but i know this is true for me. a lot of times when i first meet some one i may not be physically attracted to them for whatever reason. but as i get to know the person and their heart i start to see on the outside what is on the inside and the person becomes more attractive in my eyes. so i guess i just want to encourage you to keep being the wonderful kind person you are and one day there will be a girl who totally appriciates you for you.
girls in high school are really immature and so sometimes you have to wait for the maturity level to catch up. and do you really want to be with someone who is like that or has NCMO sessions. weigh your options and hold out for a good one you deserve it.

Jasmine said...

my heart goes out to you. I wish that I could tell you that everything would be perfect and that I knew the perfect match for you, and that you would never feel worthless again. But I can't. However, I do completely understand what you are feeling. You are what I was at the beginning of highschool. I thought that I was ugly, and plain, and the fact that I didn't wear clothes that left next to nothing to the imagination made me a boring and dull prude. But I realized something. It was hard to come to beleive it, but I realized that I don't NEED anyone else. Jesus alone must be my one desire. He alone must fill my EVERY need... even those that could be fulfilled by a boyfriend. I think that until I understood this completely, and knew what my identity in CHRIST was, I was not ready for a relationship. And when the time came, it was God who brought it together for me, not me. So take heart, don't despair. You are an amazing man of God and God will lead you to your match when the time is right. I know it doesn't take away the ache and the longing, but it does lessen the blow somewhat. and just for the record, I know without a doubt that the girl who gets you will be one incredibly lucky person, because you are an awesome guy. don't let anyone tell you differently

Jondango said... the actual spelling

Jondango said...

Hey Josh,
The devil attacks high schoolers the same way year after year:
1. He makes you feel lonely- lying to you about Christ actually being with you, in you and there for you.

2. He makes you feel ugly- he twists the necessity to have physical intimacy in the context of a committed relationship with a godly woman.

3. He consistently uses people living in sin around you to make you feel like there is something wrong with you because you aren't sharing in physical NCMO's and the gut wrenching aftermath of the ambiguous relationship which exists post NCMO.

Take every thought captive to Christ. All the rest is the devil's bullcrap.