I have an interesting connundrum before me.
I have a lesson to learn about God's perfect love. Its been coming to me for a while now. Because of several different things, I have been lately looking for emotional fufilment in places besides God's heart. This is something that needs to be remedied.
Tonight, i found myself talking through this with a friend of mine. The way i get to a problem is to say everything i think about it until something stops making sense to me and i can figure out why. I got there tonight.
I have an esteem complex. I really do not see myself as an attractive person, due to many things people have said/done to me in the past, and in my narrow High School world that makes me not as good as everyone surrounding me who is. I spent a weekend at CuddleFest 2005 (gotta love church kids on a ministry retreat, damn) and i couldnt figure out whether i was more frustrated with the fact that i had to look at it all the time or the fact that it was not me being laid on top of. Thus tonight i'm feeling especially ugly. Woohoo, less complaining more explaining.
So, in my mind, in order for something(s) that people have made clear to me over and over and over again (or perhaps they havent, and i'm just a negative nancy. No matter at this point) to all of a sudden be untrue, someone hasta prove it to me. In this case, someone has to prove to me that i am an attractive and allright guy. Otherwise i'm never going to believe it.
My freind tried to convince me that being attractive isn't all about looks and that intelligence is a much bigger factor. I told her to draw me a map to the magical land where thats actually true, cause i must be in the wrong country. Nobody is proving to me that having a halfway-brilliant hunk of brain upstairs is more attractive than a smooth tounge and nice abs. They are continually telling me the opposite. Example: I have certian friend ask me tonight about the moral implications of her Non-Commital Make Out session with some dude i dont know. I'm not condemning nor commending NCMOs, but the entire time were talking about this i'm thinking, "why didnt she ever consider making out with me on a non-commital basis? I'm a fairly cute guy, and i'm nice! She said so herself!" To my knowledge, no one has ever had a desire to stick their face on mine. At least not a strong enough desire to manifest. And that sort of hurts. Actually, not even sort of. Just hurts.
So since no one is proving to me that i'm an attractive and therefore worthful person in highschool terms, that must mean i'm ugly and worthless, right?
...Jesus didn't think so.
After being educated on the Hebrew cultural context of Jesus's ministry, i understand all the more fully what it meant when jesus chose his disciples. And in turn chose me.
...so Jesus has proven to me that i am worthful. He thinks i'm something special.
therefore, by my own model, i must be something special. He proves it to me by allowing me to be his disciple, his 'talmid', and to try and be just like him.
Back in the day, that was a priviledge that Rabbi such as Jesus only gave to the best of the best.
So logically, i'm worth something.
...but i still want to be wanted by a girl.
...i still really wish my friend was making out non-commital-ly with me instead of the guy i don't know.
...and i still want to be worth something in highschool terms.
as shallow as that is, and as much of a mistake it would be to try and seriously pursue those things, i want them.
I'm almost believing that i've been given a choice.
I really wonder if God would give me those 3 things if i asked for them. If he would allow me to make and therefore learn from that mistake.
(cause after all, no one has thought i was attractive up to now, right? it would take God's intervention for that to happen. ::chuckles softly::)
And i wonder if i have the guts enough to actually ask for it.