Friday, October 21, 2005

ok, spilling time.

In order to sort through things, i need to put down everytihng i feel in one place. Thats what this thing is for. Its not going to be anything new, cause anyone who actually reads this thing already knows whats going through my head.

I never seen myself reduced to such a wreck. I really haven't. I've been distracted by the same freaking thing for 5 months now. My brain has CONSTANTLY been a certian somewhere else. It makes me so angry! For 3 weeks of the summer i was someplace completly isolated from her and i still managed to get distracted. What sort of awesomeness could have taken place if i had been COHERENT?? I feel like i've let christ down. Cause i have. I mean, yeah we all do but this is just pathetic.

This entire thing went from good to great to Height of Awesomeness and immediatly went plunging down into the depths of Ugly and Horrid and Painful. At least for me. Not even sure if she cares. I have felt ugly, unactractive, somewhat worthless, and utterly retarded. And what went down supports all of those things. Its horrible!! And the worst thing is is that i know none of it is true, but i dont know it at the same time.

I have a great need to leave this thing where it belongs, in some pit. I need to drop it and never pick it up again. But i cannot find any way to jettison these feelings, to forget any of it. And i cannot stop thinking about it.

I have driven myself officially mad. And gosh darn it, its frustrating!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Rock show.

Latley, I've been having a reoccuring daydream.

I'm playing drums at a rock show, with my Hypothetical Band. Our name is The Froidian Symphony, and we're all wearing sweet clothes.

We're playing a song that I wrote the lyrics to. It's about this one girl I used to know. She was very pretty, and stole away like 6 months of my life. Can't say i was that happy about it at the time. So i wrote a song about the experience. It has piercing lyrics and a gut-wrenching, tear-jerking chorus.

(you gotta note, this daydream is like 2 years in the future. And you gotta note that it isnt ever gonna happen, i cant write songs.)

And so i'm playing drums along to my sweet song, and i look out into the crowd. Everyones going nuts, its crazy. Spare for one person. They seem to be standing still amidst the rock-show-chaos.

"Who is that?" i ask. I look at this person closer. It's a short girl. The girl i wrote the song about.

We lock eyes. I read hers and they tell me a story of regret. Of sorrow and shame. She wishes she wasnt there. She wishes i had never writtent the song. And, more than anything, she wishes i never had a reason to write it.

The eterinty of eye-locking lasts about 4 measures. Then i go into some sweet-ass fill and forget about it.

We end the show like pros. We walk offstage. I look into the crowd again, and i see her in the same place, standing just as still as before, drilling her stare into my like space-age lazer beams.

The band hops into our van and we split for home. I don't look back.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

mariachi poster

this is a photo by andy. i got bored and my school has photoshop 7.

Monday, October 17, 2005

this be caity's face that i 'shopped to be sweet. cause i got bored.