Thursday, December 20, 2007

Still Fighting It

I'm sitting in the basement of my parent's house. My stuff is in boxes, and it surprises me how little of it there is. I move out in two and a half weeks, and I've never been more relieved in my life. I'm not really horribly excited or happy; I'm simply relieved to grow up.

I am facing the realization that, if I want, I never have to come back to this place. I can live where I want, with who I want. And in that, I feel that I can be whoever I want, too.

When I think about what I want my life to look like, I think about playing paintball through high school. I remember what it feels like to crash at 3 AM to wake up at 6, drive for a couple hours in my pajamas and a hoodie, and show up to some backwater field and play my heart out. Its the same feeling I get when I wake up at 4 AM to catch a ride to the airport, going to some place in the middle of nowhere. Its a feeling in my chest and my head. It's a mix of exhaustion and excitement and realization of unpredictability. I want my life to be full of these moments, moments in which I don't know where I'm going to sleep that night, or what I'm going to have to do tomorrow.

I have a craving for the new, the unexpected. Leaving my parents basement is my first step toward the life I want to live. It's been 18 long years, and I feel prepared. I know what I want.

Goodbye, bedroom. Goodbye, Mom and Dad. I don't know where I am going, but I know that I want my life to be full of those moments of exhaustion, excitement and and realization of unpredictability. Sometimes, it sucks to grow up.

But today, it doesn't.


Saturday, December 15, 2007

An Open Letter to Pastor Guy

Hey Pastor Guy.

I stopped going to The Big Church around 4 months ago or something. You know this.

I don't call myself a Christian anymore. I hate hypocrisy more than anything, and I refuse to call myself something that I am not. The fact of the matter is, I tried for my entire life to be the person the bible and The Big Church said I needed to be. I wanted to be pure; I wanted to be a servant. I wanted to be righteous. But I wasn't good at it. For as long as I can remember, I have never felt like I was doing a good enough job. I struggled with pornography and self-image and grades for all of middle school and high school. I wanted to try drugs; I wanted to drink; I wanted to have sex. And I knew that was wrong. But I was never able to push those things out of my head. And thus, I was not a God-Honoring person.

And more than anything, I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I knew that the church said I was part of their family, and my friends at The Big Church and I always called ourselves "brothers". But I always felt like I was just being tolerated by everybody. That it was all some sort of facade. And since I didn't know how to define myself in Christ or in who I wanted to be, I barely tolerated myself as well. I always thought that was my fault.

The I left. I left church, I left Jesus, and I waited to see what my "family" would say. You know what they've said?

Nothing. I haven't heard a word from anyone but a few of my very close friends. Pastor Intern guy talks to me, and I think Worship Leader Guy sent an email. But no one else from my dearly beloved "family" has really spoken to me.

I know that some of you have something to say. Pastor Guy, I know that you have something to say.

Why on earth haven't you said it? Why haven't any of you said anything? Part of the reason I left was because I wanted to know if anyone in my "family" actually cared about me as a person. And no one has said a word.

I suppose that I, what with my pot-smoking sex-having pinko-commie-intellectual ways have no moral ground on which to judge anyone. And I never really had that moral ground, anyway. But isn't that silence against what you believe? It seems that I was taught to chase after people exactly like me. I was taught to be a light to people who needed Jesus and that God put in me in their lives so that he could use me to get to them.

But no one's come after me, Pastor Guy. Because I left The Big Church, does this pursuit exclude me?

I guess I just wanted to hear something. I want to hear that you're angry or disappointed or sad or something. The Big Chuch must have an opinion.

Why doesn't anyone care? Why are you silent?


Thursday, December 13, 2007

Death Trap: Part 2

Chem 221: C-
Writing 121: A-

didn't fail everything after all.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Death Trap

Well, I'm done. No more school till January. And not a moment too soon, mind you.

I just took my last final. I expect a D, because I didn't know my stuff. Hopefully, my midterm grades will balance out my grade in the class.

Throughout the term I have constantly asked myself why in the world I'm going to college in the first place. I really wanted to come here; this is the culmination of every hope and dream I've had for the last 4 to 5 years. I was waiting to get out of high school get on to "real education", where I imagined that everything I didn't like about school would somehow magically change.

It turned out to be a sham. The only difference is that I paid out my life savings for this. Now I'm broke, jobless, and frustrated. It's lucky for me I'm not a homeless dropout too; my dad is graciously paying my rent for a term down here in the dorms come January, and he's getting my tuition too. Good thing, seeing as I have about $350 to my name and no source of income.

It hasn't been all bad, I guess. My writing class was cool. Right now, I'm trying to get into a hard writing class for next term, and I really hope I do. It seems to be the shining light at the end of the dark, dank academic tunnel of doom that I registered for. I'm taking class I know I'm not going to like. I know they're gonna bore the crud out of me. Why am I taking them again?

I don't know. I really don't know. Have no clue. I'm taking 18 credits, and out of those 18, only 4 are ones I actually want to take. What is wrong with me?

I know I'm kinda being a whiner right now, but the rest of my life is kinda shitty too! What the hell? The friends I had in high school are now miles away, and many of them have all but forgotten me at this point. A few still call, and I'm thankful for that. But it's kind of disheartening to think that they all forgot me that quickly.

And meeting people here has been hard. Not living here means that whenever I am here, I hang out with my girlfriend. I simply don't have much else of a place to go. And dating has been just a mess for me. I'm so inwardly conflicted, that I can't enjoy it. I want to be single, but I want to be with someone. I feel like I need to have someone in my life, but at the same time I know I don't. What the hell? Why is this so complicated?

The sad thing is, I know that many, many people I know are going through this exact same thing. Everybody is fucked up at the moment. And that doesn't make sense to me. Why would we volunteer for this?