Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I am overqualified

To: East Hills Animal Clinic
RE: Veterinarian position

I am writing to apply for the position of Veterinarian at your clinic, and I decided to forgo attaching my resume because we all know that education and job experience are certainly not everything. Animal care is about much more than that.

When I was a kid I had a cat; His name was Alawishus. Alawishus got sick when I was about 5 and the vets said they were going to have to put him down. Said he had the cancer. But even at the tender age of five years old, I knew that they were wrong. I knew they were all liars. They just wanted Alawishus to themselves, to hold him and cuddle him and keep him away from me. Because I was five years old and the only purpose, the only solace for men in white coats like the dentist and the doctor and now the veterinarian was to make me unhappy. They made my teeth hurt and put shots in my arms and now they wanted to take my cat.

I thwarted their evil plan. I may have been five but I was smart – brilliant even – and I came up with an equally smart and brilliant plan. I hid Alawishus. I hid him under my bed beneath my laundry basket because I knew that on television sometimes they put people in hospitals with bars on the windows for their own good, to save them, and Alawishus desperately needed to be saved. I kept him there for week as my parents searched and searched for him. I fed him Corn Flakes and gave him a toy truck to play with.

After my parents and the men with white coats stopped looking for Alawishus, I brought him out of protective custody. He was a free man now, my job was done. And Alawishus thanked me by dying. He went cold and limp and died, right there in front me. That son of a bitch. He thanked me, his healer and savior, by dying. It’s as if he simply wanted to spite me.

I was only doing it for his own good.

In any case, I am very good with animals. I have an innate sense of what is going on inside their bodies and souls and my judgment is unclouded by fancy medical degrees. I have healing hands. I can offer your patients solace and health.

Josh Farwell

*yes, this was sent in to them. I have yet to hear a reply.