Friday, September 16, 2005

rainy friday.

Today, there was rain.

I guess for most people, that would be depressing. People seem to have this obsession with the sun for some reason. They always go to places like California and Flordia looking for sunshine. They like ot hit up the beaches and lay it the stuff, for hours on end. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the heck someone would want to go seek after the sun. I seek after grey.

I say I seek after grey because it's got all the same stuff as rainy weather does, cept without the wet part. I went on a walk today and got caught in big, drippy raindrops. That didn't go over well with my pj pants, they're still kinda wet. =\. Wet is cold, and cold is uncomfy. Thus, rain is only a good deal if you are dressed for the occasion. But i love it anyways. It puts the world in a differnt light.

Take the beach for example. You head out to any beach about 1:00 in the afternoon on a sunnny day, and there's going to be people in their bathing suits with their kites and little kids, all of them running around, building sandcastles and getting in sandfights, and there will be mothers shouting to their children, "Oh no little Johnny, don't go out to far in the water! DON'T LETIT GET UP PAST YOUR ANKLES JOHNNY!!", and fathers drinking beer and thinking about whats on tv back home, and pre-teen boys and girls walking around trying to look like emo kids, even though emo kids are never at the beach.

But if you show up to the coast about 7:00 in the morning, there is no sun. No people either. The only thing you hear is the gulls yawning and the roar of the waves. With the sun's brilliant and overbearing rays absent, you can begin to see the beach for what it truly is. Nothing. Theres no excitment here, none whatsoever. Everything is absorbed either into the grey sky or the sea itself. There is no sound except what comes out of your mind.

I veiw the beach in early morning as a canvas. You are free to make of it what you wish, to see what you want to see. The sand is coarse in your hands, and the salt in the air stings your eyes. The waves gently chase sound away from your ears, and you are free from the world, with your thoughts as your only companion. As you pick up the sand in you hands, and cast it to the wind, they become your cares. They float through the air, and you can see them for what they really are.

Rain in the 'burbs is a different thing altogether. It's like a muted celebration of the world around us. Every light becomes just a little bit brighter, and everything warm becomes a little bit warmer. The rain slows down time, and lets it linger for a moment. The sound of rain is unique, cold but gentle. Its touch is smooth, yet sharp at the same time. And if you stand out in the rain for too long, you get wet. You hafta go inside and put on new clothes. I do not know why that's relavent, but it seems to fit.

I wish i was at the beach, with my camera, a couple of rolls of film, and a certian someone.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

falling up

Ever feel like the world is upside-down?

Sometimes I wonder if it actually is. Stuff seems so messed up these days. I don't know if I'm falling or slipping or what. What I say and what I feel don't line up anymore. My priorities aren't lining up with my beliefs. And what I do doesn't line up with what I should be doing. It's like trying to fly a plane at night with broken instruments. The artificial horizon tells me i'm sideways, the altimiter tells me i'm crashed into the ground already, and the compass is alternating between northeast and south. I'm so lost. God is here somewhere, but I can't feel his hand just now. And no matter how much I call for him I just can't seem to put my finger on where he is exactly. However, a plane in this situation should have crashed long before now, so I know he's here somewheres.

I suppose most of this has to do with the fact that I'm falling for one of my best friends. In all honesty, I think that I went insane over it the other day. Literally. We're talking padded cell insane. God hasn't ever really given me any luck with love over the course of my life, and this is the closest I feel like I've ever gotten to dating someone thats really, truly good for me. I'm not saying this girl should be my wife, but dating's the way you figure out who that person is. In all truth, I really hope my wife ends up being just a lil bit like this girl. She's not extraordinary at first glance, but theres something about her that just... I can't even explain it. She's kinder than kind, and does things for others that no one else would do, at the expense of her own reputation. She is awesome. I've loved her as a friend for forever, and now i'm falling for her.

It isn't a good postition to be in by any means. Even if she agrees with me that we'd be awesome for each other, she doesn't like me. And I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough some how. And like theres no way to be good enough. Right now, I would give almost anything to be good enough. But that isn't something I can obtain, it's just something I either am or am not. I'd like to think that my likeability is something she can choose, but I myself cannot choose to not fall for her. Belive me, I've tried. And in the midst of this all, I wonder what the crap God is doing with this and why he's letting this go down.

Then again, God let me get totured for years with no seeming purpose. And those experiences have saved souls and lives in his hands.

Trusting people, trusting God, trust is just hard.



I am so tired right now. Tired of school. Tired of work. Tired of homework. Tired of girl. Tired of friends. Tired of parents. Tired of being a good kid. Tired of always coming in last place. Tired of waiting for something to happen.

I need a break. Anyone wanna go to canada?

Monday, September 12, 2005

monday bloody monday

Today was monday. By default, mondays suck. But ocmpared to sunday, this one looked up.

I woke up this morning and decided that it would be a grand idea to stay in my pjs and go to school in them. It was actually pretty fun. And really comfy. I think there's something to be said for being spontaneous and random. And really comfy.

More than anything, today was much more peaceful than yesterday. I was able to clear my head and heart a little bit. I realize that i need to give God whats his, which is my head and heart. If i do, he'll take care of me. May not be in the way i expect or want, but itll be in the right way.


Sunday, September 11, 2005


ok so i officially twekaed my neck. this sucks.


Sometimes we think too much. Theres an overtone of worry and doubt in pretty much every descicion we make as human beings, expecially in our relationships with each other. I mean, let's face it: we skrew up a lot. I know I do. Half the stuff I do crashes and burns, and never has the outcome i imagined or wanted. I don't take risks with people anymore, because I don't want to ruin what I have.

But thats just not good enough. If I'm ever going to be truly happy and at peace, I hafta change something. Even if I get burned, part me is saying that I need to just jump. Wounds heal, I'm in freaking high school. Whats life if you don't live it?

I think about stuff too much. I pray that God tells me what exactly I'm supposed to do. Cause I have no clue.