falling up

Ever feel like the world is upside-down?

Sometimes I wonder if it actually is. Stuff seems so messed up these days. I don't know if I'm falling or slipping or what. What I say and what I feel don't line up anymore. My priorities aren't lining up with my beliefs. And what I do doesn't line up with what I should be doing. It's like trying to fly a plane at night with broken instruments. The artificial horizon tells me i'm sideways, the altimiter tells me i'm crashed into the ground already, and the compass is alternating between northeast and south. I'm so lost. God is here somewhere, but I can't feel his hand just now. And no matter how much I call for him I just can't seem to put my finger on where he is exactly. However, a plane in this situation should have crashed long before now, so I know he's here somewheres.

I suppose most of this has to do with the fact that I'm falling for one of my best friends. In all honesty, I think that I went insane over it the other day. Literally. We're talking padded cell insane. God hasn't ever really given me any luck with love over the course of my life, and this is the closest I feel like I've ever gotten to dating someone thats really, truly good for me. I'm not saying this girl should be my wife, but dating's the way you figure out who that person is. In all truth, I really hope my wife ends up being just a lil bit like this girl. She's not extraordinary at first glance, but theres something about her that just... I can't even explain it. She's kinder than kind, and does things for others that no one else would do, at the expense of her own reputation. She is awesome. I've loved her as a friend for forever, and now i'm falling for her.

It isn't a good postition to be in by any means. Even if she agrees with me that we'd be awesome for each other, she doesn't like me. And I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough some how. And like theres no way to be good enough. Right now, I would give almost anything to be good enough. But that isn't something I can obtain, it's just something I either am or am not. I'd like to think that my likeability is something she can choose, but I myself cannot choose to not fall for her. Belive me, I've tried. And in the midst of this all, I wonder what the crap God is doing with this and why he's letting this go down.

Then again, God let me get totured for years with no seeming purpose. And those experiences have saved souls and lives in his hands.

Trusting people, trusting God, trust is just hard.

--josh