Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Death Trap

Well, I'm done. No more school till January. And not a moment too soon, mind you.

I just took my last final. I expect a D, because I didn't know my stuff. Hopefully, my midterm grades will balance out my grade in the class.

Throughout the term I have constantly asked myself why in the world I'm going to college in the first place. I really wanted to come here; this is the culmination of every hope and dream I've had for the last 4 to 5 years. I was waiting to get out of high school get on to "real education", where I imagined that everything I didn't like about school would somehow magically change.

It turned out to be a sham. The only difference is that I paid out my life savings for this. Now I'm broke, jobless, and frustrated. It's lucky for me I'm not a homeless dropout too; my dad is graciously paying my rent for a term down here in the dorms come January, and he's getting my tuition too. Good thing, seeing as I have about $350 to my name and no source of income.

It hasn't been all bad, I guess. My writing class was cool. Right now, I'm trying to get into a hard writing class for next term, and I really hope I do. It seems to be the shining light at the end of the dark, dank academic tunnel of doom that I registered for. I'm taking class I know I'm not going to like. I know they're gonna bore the crud out of me. Why am I taking them again?

I don't know. I really don't know. Have no clue. I'm taking 18 credits, and out of those 18, only 4 are ones I actually want to take. What is wrong with me?

I know I'm kinda being a whiner right now, but the rest of my life is kinda shitty too! What the hell? The friends I had in high school are now miles away, and many of them have all but forgotten me at this point. A few still call, and I'm thankful for that. But it's kind of disheartening to think that they all forgot me that quickly.

And meeting people here has been hard. Not living here means that whenever I am here, I hang out with my girlfriend. I simply don't have much else of a place to go. And dating has been just a mess for me. I'm so inwardly conflicted, that I can't enjoy it. I want to be single, but I want to be with someone. I feel like I need to have someone in my life, but at the same time I know I don't. What the hell? Why is this so complicated?

The sad thing is, I know that many, many people I know are going through this exact same thing. Everybody is fucked up at the moment. And that doesn't make sense to me. Why would we volunteer for this?


No comments: