I love paintball, but i hate being poor...

Music: "oh" by Dave Matthews

Wow, its only the 10th of the month, and im already completely broke. The only money I have to my name is in possibly-expired gift cards to Borders and Starbucks. I blew $120 of hard-mooched money on one paintball tournament. ONE! And all i have to show for it is a wallet made by everyones favorite paintball/clothing company Empire.

So i payed $120 to show up and have my stupid Dye gun break, get shot at by people who's guns work, and become a walking billboard for a paintball company. Every time i walk into 7-11 to buy some Rockstar, i get to let them know to buy empire! As if these guys don't make enough money as it is. They overcharge for all of their products, from their pants to luggage sets to hats to paintball guns. I guess they even make skate shoes now. Sad thing is, i really like Empire. I really like the wallet they gave me. I have put stickers on my hopper, gun, trumpet case, ect. And i really want those shoes...

But no more about Empire. Back to all the money i dont have. I happen to have expenses besides paintball this month. Such as food. And clothes. All of my clothes are going the way of my money as we speak; all of my pants are falling apart. Even my paintball pants. Right now, I have 3 pairs to choose from to wear. I hafta do laundry 3 times a week.

And dont even get me started about food. There have been way too many days where i have trodded to the library after 3rd period to sleep on a couch because I couldnt mooch $2 off of someone to buy a sandwich. And yes, I know that is a very high prie for a sandwich. My school has this great system of Closed Campus, which means i have to eat cruddy school food at high prices instead of going to MikeyD's and putting my $2 into a virtual feast. Most days my mom makes me a lunch, but on the days when she doesnt....

Sometimes i wonder why i play this overly expensice sport in the first place. Its not as if im winning gear to make up for the expense.

And then I look at the hits on my hands, and I pick up my gun and start playing with the trigger, and I remember.

Its cause im in love with it.

::yawn::

Wow, this year has gone by so fast. It seems like summer was a month ago, and its already so close to the next one.

I guess thats a good thing though. Noting has really happened to me since summer. The weather around here right now is reminding me of how much i miss it.

I miss being able to see the stars at night. I miss not having to worry about school or anything the next day. I miss sleep.

Most of all, i think i miss the mentality. That everything is perfectly OK.

I feel.... pwned.

For lack of a better term, i feel completely pwned right now. I just finished a buttload of homework, and i still have a buttload to do (gonna hafta wait till tommorow, this dudes out). Why does school keep this constant pressure on me? Do they think i have nothing better to do?

I have been talking to some older people about high school, and i gather that it wasnt the same back in the day. My small group leader TJ and i were getting some food, and he started going off about how much slacked off in high school, and how his grades rocked in spite of it. What the crap is up w/ that? I'm prolly gonna end up w/ a 3.2 or something this trimester, and over half of those are gimmie classes. I had to scramble to keep my math grade from falling. And i did all of the homework! I kinda studied!

And yet, the previous generation got to lae their way through high school, not caring whether their assignments were turned in or not, and not hafta worry about being able to get into college after they were done.

Ill be lucky if i end up going to a state university.

GRR! the system SUCKS!

Love

I was erading the word last night, and i came across this verse:

"Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks recieves. Everyone who seeks will find. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."

Matthew 7:7-8

When my eyes hit this verse, I thought about my desires. Right now, the one thing I want more than anything is love. So, since the verse says right there that if i ask i will recieve, I asked God for love. Immediatly, images started flowing into m head. Pictures of all these people in my life. People who truly love me.

Hymn

Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance around Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon my grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgened heart shall burst in vain
But not when love pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well spring lye
*****

--Jars of clay (i love this song)

I think that girls confuse me.... i think....

Wow. It isnt often that i come across someone with a sadder love life than myself. I realized last night that i am the most clueless and oblivious person i know when it comes to girls. I mean, if you ask me to fix your computer, or help you buy a paintball gun, or give you spiritual advice of some sort, i can most likely give you an answer. And if you ask me something that i dont know about, i can prolly find the answer on google.

But the secrets to dealings w/ women arent on google.

I have asked older and wiser people about how i fit into the world of high school dating. They all said it isnt worth it. And as i look around at freinds of mine that are dating, and watch them get together, and break up, and get together again, I am inclined to agree.

But at the same time, what i really want is someone who loves me for who i am, despite all of my faults.

Maybe what im looking for isnt a girlfriend. Maybe i just want a real freind.

but if she was drop-dead gorgeous, so much the better.


--josh

This song describes my heart

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

hehe... yeah photoshop is too much fun. 

Money

I always thought being rich would be a drag. I always thought that 90% of the fun of having stuff was the anticipation of buying it, the saving up pennies, the waiting for christmas. I mean, you know how it is. You wait and wiat to get something, and when you get it you are really happy with it for a couple hours, or days, and then after that its just yet another thing you own. Take my paintball gun for example. For the longest time, i really really wanted a performance tourney paintball gun. And the fun part of it was wanting to have it. Now, i sitll think that its the sweetest thing ever, and i love that gun to death, but the magic that it held when i first had it is gone. Thats why i was glad i didnt have everything i wanted. If i did, there would be nothing to look forward to.

But right now, i wish more than anything that i had money to throw around. I need to buy paintball equipment, paint, tourney entry fees, computer stuff, new clothes (i have very little clothing right now) and, above all, FOOD. I am almost tempted to put a paypal link in here so that all of you could donate a few bucks to my cause.

Maybe i wish i was rich.

But not too rich.

--josh

Work Ethic

Some people call sleeping in class laziness. I call it prioritizing my time.

Think about it. I get more than decent grades, the same grades as any average, hardworking student would get. And yet, all those average, hardworking students slave away every day in school, listening to stuff that they dont wanna hear, writing stuff down that they think and know is worthless beyond the classroom door, and doing meaningless work only to have it turned in and become a number on a spreadsheet. For all this pain, they get a B+ in the class and a right to complain on how lame and stupid all of their classes are.

Me? I lazily float on into my first 3 classes, get comfortable in my chair and promplty nod off about half-way. Part of me is still awake, so that if i am called upon to answer a question i do not look like i just woke up. Its sort of this in-between state, a false sleep in which i am still consious. It is somewhat hard to maintain, but it is vital to my strategy. See, i have figured out that half of your grade in a given class is based upon what that teacher thinks of you. If you are kind and respectful, always look like you are paying some degree of attention, and "participate" by turning in assignments (it doesnt matter if all the answers are total BS, as long as you make sure that it looks like you tried), no matter how much sleep you are actually getting during that teacher's lectures, you will get just as good of a grade as the kids who work their tails off every day.

Case in point-- today in spanish class:



--Girl whispers something to generic boy next to her, crumpling sound of paper is heard.

--Our hero feels a dull impact on the base of his neck

Hero: ::yawn:: uuh? (translation: wtf was that?)
--looks in direction of girl

Girl: wake up! and do your work!

Hero: Uhhh....

Girl: If everyone else has to do it, then you have to too!

--This is the part that puzzles me. "Well, since we are all to stupid to figure out that our teacher reads off the frickin answers at the end of the outrageously long worktime, you should have to suffer and fill out this meaningless drivvel too!"
Is it just me, or isnt smart and clever behavior supposed to be rewarded in education? It seems to me that it should be the other way around, I get to sleep because I figured out the system. Better yet, maybe Miss Self-Righteous can get a clue and take a page out of my book. Maybe she would lose that auora of stuck-upness if she got a little more sleep!

Maybe this is the way this should have played out

--Hero is sleeping
--Girl wakes him up

Hero: uuh?(wtf?)

Girl: um, sorry to wake you, oh genious one, but i had a question.

Girl: Why is it that you sleep without fear of being caught clueless in front of the class?

Hero: (brushes off shoulders) Well, my little peasant, i sleep because I have no doubt that the answers will become apparent in due time!

Girl: Oh, I see the Light! I should sleep, just as you do! Can i give you all my money?

Hero: Why, sure!


See, happy ending. I get money, girl gets beauty sleep, we all get answers.
::sigh:: why cant the world be more like my imagination?

--josh

High School Assemblies

I wonder what high school assemblies would be like if me and my freinds ran them. I think we would make a couple changes....

1. Instead of dumb constest involving food or hugging, we would have Air Guitar competitions.
2. We would give out obscenely huge prizes with money out of the athletic department's budget
3. Instead of voting for the prom king and queen, there would just be a huge drunken brawl.
4. Instead of teachers dressing up in costumes, wed have them full-contact football with our varsity team.
5. The entire audience would be covered in a gross food substance at least twice.
6. Instead of the school band playing, we'd ask the freshman class to put together a metal band. Rotten fruit would then be distributed to the other classes.
7. If attendance of a particular class got too low, we'd hrie some bums from downtown portland to fill in.

--josh

The College Experience

the college experience:
1. being utterly, completely poor.
2. Time is a gift to be cherished...then wasted on video games.
3. Friends are the most important things in the world.. esp. those that actually go to class and take notes.
4. Laptops are great for class...to play CS:S on wifi.
5. Caffine is your friend. No really. Like intimately.
6. That one crazy drunk guy in your hall.
7. The frat boys who think they own the world.
8. The sorority girls who think they are the world.
9. Diversity crap that somehow results in white males losing money, and it ends up in the gay pride center.
10. You develop a deep hatred of the bookstore.
11. Loud music can cover the strange noises coming from the next room...
12. Sleep is for suckers...or people that can't afford some form of caffiene.

--by andy catts

Perhaps I should learn to let go....

I just got back from youth group, and it got me thinking about something. Something that i already knew in my head, and once knew in my heart, but had somehow halfway forgotten. Its one of those simple things, but Satan uses simple things to drive a wedge.

If I cant let go of everything, God cannot make me into who i need to be.

For me, it has been trying to a more popular person, especially with the girls in my life. I guess every 15 year old guy wants to be more popular w/ teh ladies, but it was becoming one of my main focuses. I thought that if i had more freinds, and if I had a gf, it would make me more happy.

So i have been trying very hard to become everyones freind. And in the proscess have begun to lose who i am.

This isnt the first time this has happened. Most of my elementary and middle school days were spent trying not to get hazed by my peers and to get through the day with a minimal ammount of emotional pain (my fellow classmates made short work of that goal). I was always the loser at school. At one point i decided that i was sick of it, but, having the weak personality of someone who had constantly been put down through school, instead of being who I was, i tried to be who everyone else was. This sort of behavior never works, and eventually I figured it out.

But my fight-or-flight instict is to try and be someone who i think everybody will like. And, always, no one ever likes that peson.

The key to being me is to letting God take me where i need to go. if i try to carry the burden of being the guy everyone likes, ill end up being crushed.

So i guess the key here is to let God help me be me.

--josh

School is a brainwashing facility

School is all about cramming my and my peers brains into tiny boxes. School is about wasting all of the 6 hours i spend there doing 1 hour worth of learning. School is about trying to make me conform and to become what i am "supposed to be". How the heck would they know what Im supposed to be?

Im sure that school was much better than killing pigs and picking grass, back in the old days when that was all they did. I would have loved to kill some time slouching in a rigid wooden desk, listening to the hott 20something schoolteacher from mississippi or wherever yack about some far off country in the oreint. Learning something that didnt involve plants or dead animals would have rocked my world. But when i look back on, say, the past 2 weeks ive spent at school, i havent learned jack friggin squat. The entire trimester i spent in chemistry last term could have been summed up in about a week of class. So, why should i have to sit in class for friggin ever waiting for the teacher to stop talking? Shouldnt i be eager to learn more?

Well, for now, me and my ipod will rock on for hours and hours waiting for bells to ring.


peace
--Josh