You ever get a knot in your back?
Knots never hurt very sharply, but whenever you bend or stand up or lift something, they remind you of their exsistance.
We can't ever get knots out of our back by ourselves, we have to employ one of our friends who is versed in the art of massage. Massage is sort of uncomfortable experience, and when the person on your back is working out a knot, it burns. But when you stand up, the knots are gone, and so is the dull pain in your back.
People get knots in their heads and hearts too. They're the places where we are lying to ourselves. The head and the heart are very closely knit (modern humanity doesn't want you to know that), and when there's a "knot" in one, theres usually a knot in the other. And just as the knots in one's back, it's quite difficult to work them out by one's self. And, just as the knots in one's back, it hurts when you take them out.
When you start pressing on the hard spots in people's minds, you bring forward many things that aren't usually seen. You learn a lot about the person you're pressing on, and more often than not they learn something about themselves. The confrontation between what is true and what our heads tell us is very hard, because the flaw lies not in facts but in logic itself. The only thing we can hold up as true fact is the Word of God.
When was the last time we confronted the knots in our minds with truth?
And what would happen if we did?
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
these are pretty good...
i went the photo-cd route this time, i'm MUCH happier with the results.
checkit!:
checkit!:
Friday, January 20, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
marching bands of manhattan
If I could open my arms
and span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are
making a lake of the East River and Hudson
And if I could open my mouth
wide enough for a marching band to march out of
they would make your name sing
and bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings.
I wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
that I live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna...
and span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are
making a lake of the East River and Hudson
And if I could open my mouth
wide enough for a marching band to march out of
they would make your name sing
and bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings.
I wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
that I live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna...
the Desire
I have an interesting connundrum before me.
I have a lesson to learn about God's perfect love. Its been coming to me for a while now. Because of several different things, I have been lately looking for emotional fufilment in places besides God's heart. This is something that needs to be remedied.
Tonight, i found myself talking through this with a friend of mine. The way i get to a problem is to say everything i think about it until something stops making sense to me and i can figure out why. I got there tonight.
I have an esteem complex. I really do not see myself as an attractive person, due to many things people have said/done to me in the past, and in my narrow High School world that makes me not as good as everyone surrounding me who is. I spent a weekend at CuddleFest 2005 (gotta love church kids on a ministry retreat, damn) and i couldnt figure out whether i was more frustrated with the fact that i had to look at it all the time or the fact that it was not me being laid on top of. Thus tonight i'm feeling especially ugly. Woohoo, less complaining more explaining.
So, in my mind, in order for something(s) that people have made clear to me over and over and over again (or perhaps they havent, and i'm just a negative nancy. No matter at this point) to all of a sudden be untrue, someone hasta prove it to me. In this case, someone has to prove to me that i am an attractive and allright guy. Otherwise i'm never going to believe it.
My freind tried to convince me that being attractive isn't all about looks and that intelligence is a much bigger factor. I told her to draw me a map to the magical land where thats actually true, cause i must be in the wrong country. Nobody is proving to me that having a halfway-brilliant hunk of brain upstairs is more attractive than a smooth tounge and nice abs. They are continually telling me the opposite. Example: I have certian friend ask me tonight about the moral implications of her Non-Commital Make Out session with some dude i dont know. I'm not condemning nor commending NCMOs, but the entire time were talking about this i'm thinking, "why didnt she ever consider making out with me on a non-commital basis? I'm a fairly cute guy, and i'm nice! She said so herself!" To my knowledge, no one has ever had a desire to stick their face on mine. At least not a strong enough desire to manifest. And that sort of hurts. Actually, not even sort of. Just hurts.
So since no one is proving to me that i'm an attractive and therefore worthful person in highschool terms, that must mean i'm ugly and worthless, right?
...Jesus didn't think so.
After being educated on the Hebrew cultural context of Jesus's ministry, i understand all the more fully what it meant when jesus chose his disciples. And in turn chose me.
...so Jesus has proven to me that i am worthful. He thinks i'm something special.
therefore, by my own model, i must be something special. He proves it to me by allowing me to be his disciple, his 'talmid', and to try and be just like him.
Back in the day, that was a priviledge that Rabbi such as Jesus only gave to the best of the best.
So logically, i'm worth something.
...but i still want to be wanted by a girl.
...i still really wish my friend was making out non-commital-ly with me instead of the guy i don't know.
...and i still want to be worth something in highschool terms.
as shallow as that is, and as much of a mistake it would be to try and seriously pursue those things, i want them.
I'm almost believing that i've been given a choice.
I really wonder if God would give me those 3 things if i asked for them. If he would allow me to make and therefore learn from that mistake.
(cause after all, no one has thought i was attractive up to now, right? it would take God's intervention for that to happen. ::chuckles softly::)
I wonder.
And i wonder if i have the guts enough to actually ask for it.
--josh
I have a lesson to learn about God's perfect love. Its been coming to me for a while now. Because of several different things, I have been lately looking for emotional fufilment in places besides God's heart. This is something that needs to be remedied.
Tonight, i found myself talking through this with a friend of mine. The way i get to a problem is to say everything i think about it until something stops making sense to me and i can figure out why. I got there tonight.
I have an esteem complex. I really do not see myself as an attractive person, due to many things people have said/done to me in the past, and in my narrow High School world that makes me not as good as everyone surrounding me who is. I spent a weekend at CuddleFest 2005 (gotta love church kids on a ministry retreat, damn) and i couldnt figure out whether i was more frustrated with the fact that i had to look at it all the time or the fact that it was not me being laid on top of. Thus tonight i'm feeling especially ugly. Woohoo, less complaining more explaining.
So, in my mind, in order for something(s) that people have made clear to me over and over and over again (or perhaps they havent, and i'm just a negative nancy. No matter at this point) to all of a sudden be untrue, someone hasta prove it to me. In this case, someone has to prove to me that i am an attractive and allright guy. Otherwise i'm never going to believe it.
My freind tried to convince me that being attractive isn't all about looks and that intelligence is a much bigger factor. I told her to draw me a map to the magical land where thats actually true, cause i must be in the wrong country. Nobody is proving to me that having a halfway-brilliant hunk of brain upstairs is more attractive than a smooth tounge and nice abs. They are continually telling me the opposite. Example: I have certian friend ask me tonight about the moral implications of her Non-Commital Make Out session with some dude i dont know. I'm not condemning nor commending NCMOs, but the entire time were talking about this i'm thinking, "why didnt she ever consider making out with me on a non-commital basis? I'm a fairly cute guy, and i'm nice! She said so herself!" To my knowledge, no one has ever had a desire to stick their face on mine. At least not a strong enough desire to manifest. And that sort of hurts. Actually, not even sort of. Just hurts.
So since no one is proving to me that i'm an attractive and therefore worthful person in highschool terms, that must mean i'm ugly and worthless, right?
...Jesus didn't think so.
After being educated on the Hebrew cultural context of Jesus's ministry, i understand all the more fully what it meant when jesus chose his disciples. And in turn chose me.
...so Jesus has proven to me that i am worthful. He thinks i'm something special.
therefore, by my own model, i must be something special. He proves it to me by allowing me to be his disciple, his 'talmid', and to try and be just like him.
Back in the day, that was a priviledge that Rabbi such as Jesus only gave to the best of the best.
So logically, i'm worth something.
...but i still want to be wanted by a girl.
...i still really wish my friend was making out non-commital-ly with me instead of the guy i don't know.
...and i still want to be worth something in highschool terms.
as shallow as that is, and as much of a mistake it would be to try and seriously pursue those things, i want them.
I'm almost believing that i've been given a choice.
I really wonder if God would give me those 3 things if i asked for them. If he would allow me to make and therefore learn from that mistake.
(cause after all, no one has thought i was attractive up to now, right? it would take God's intervention for that to happen. ::chuckles softly::)
I wonder.
And i wonder if i have the guts enough to actually ask for it.
--josh
Friday, October 21, 2005
ok, spilling time.
In order to sort through things, i need to put down everytihng i feel in one place. Thats what this thing is for. Its not going to be anything new, cause anyone who actually reads this thing already knows whats going through my head.
I never seen myself reduced to such a wreck. I really haven't. I've been distracted by the same freaking thing for 5 months now. My brain has CONSTANTLY been a certian somewhere else. It makes me so angry! For 3 weeks of the summer i was someplace completly isolated from her and i still managed to get distracted. What sort of awesomeness could have taken place if i had been COHERENT?? I feel like i've let christ down. Cause i have. I mean, yeah we all do but this is just pathetic.
This entire thing went from good to great to Height of Awesomeness and immediatly went plunging down into the depths of Ugly and Horrid and Painful. At least for me. Not even sure if she cares. I have felt ugly, unactractive, somewhat worthless, and utterly retarded. And what went down supports all of those things. Its horrible!! And the worst thing is is that i know none of it is true, but i dont know it at the same time.
I have a great need to leave this thing where it belongs, in some pit. I need to drop it and never pick it up again. But i cannot find any way to jettison these feelings, to forget any of it. And i cannot stop thinking about it.
I have driven myself officially mad. And gosh darn it, its frustrating!
I never seen myself reduced to such a wreck. I really haven't. I've been distracted by the same freaking thing for 5 months now. My brain has CONSTANTLY been a certian somewhere else. It makes me so angry! For 3 weeks of the summer i was someplace completly isolated from her and i still managed to get distracted. What sort of awesomeness could have taken place if i had been COHERENT?? I feel like i've let christ down. Cause i have. I mean, yeah we all do but this is just pathetic.
This entire thing went from good to great to Height of Awesomeness and immediatly went plunging down into the depths of Ugly and Horrid and Painful. At least for me. Not even sure if she cares. I have felt ugly, unactractive, somewhat worthless, and utterly retarded. And what went down supports all of those things. Its horrible!! And the worst thing is is that i know none of it is true, but i dont know it at the same time.
I have a great need to leave this thing where it belongs, in some pit. I need to drop it and never pick it up again. But i cannot find any way to jettison these feelings, to forget any of it. And i cannot stop thinking about it.
I have driven myself officially mad. And gosh darn it, its frustrating!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Rock show.
Latley, I've been having a reoccuring daydream.
I'm playing drums at a rock show, with my Hypothetical Band. Our name is The Froidian Symphony, and we're all wearing sweet clothes.
We're playing a song that I wrote the lyrics to. It's about this one girl I used to know. She was very pretty, and stole away like 6 months of my life. Can't say i was that happy about it at the time. So i wrote a song about the experience. It has piercing lyrics and a gut-wrenching, tear-jerking chorus.
(you gotta note, this daydream is like 2 years in the future. And you gotta note that it isnt ever gonna happen, i cant write songs.)
And so i'm playing drums along to my sweet song, and i look out into the crowd. Everyones going nuts, its crazy. Spare for one person. They seem to be standing still amidst the rock-show-chaos.
"Who is that?" i ask. I look at this person closer. It's a short girl. The girl i wrote the song about.
We lock eyes. I read hers and they tell me a story of regret. Of sorrow and shame. She wishes she wasnt there. She wishes i had never writtent the song. And, more than anything, she wishes i never had a reason to write it.
The eterinty of eye-locking lasts about 4 measures. Then i go into some sweet-ass fill and forget about it.
We end the show like pros. We walk offstage. I look into the crowd again, and i see her in the same place, standing just as still as before, drilling her stare into my like space-age lazer beams.
The band hops into our van and we split for home. I don't look back.
I'm playing drums at a rock show, with my Hypothetical Band. Our name is The Froidian Symphony, and we're all wearing sweet clothes.
We're playing a song that I wrote the lyrics to. It's about this one girl I used to know. She was very pretty, and stole away like 6 months of my life. Can't say i was that happy about it at the time. So i wrote a song about the experience. It has piercing lyrics and a gut-wrenching, tear-jerking chorus.
(you gotta note, this daydream is like 2 years in the future. And you gotta note that it isnt ever gonna happen, i cant write songs.)
And so i'm playing drums along to my sweet song, and i look out into the crowd. Everyones going nuts, its crazy. Spare for one person. They seem to be standing still amidst the rock-show-chaos.
"Who is that?" i ask. I look at this person closer. It's a short girl. The girl i wrote the song about.
We lock eyes. I read hers and they tell me a story of regret. Of sorrow and shame. She wishes she wasnt there. She wishes i had never writtent the song. And, more than anything, she wishes i never had a reason to write it.
The eterinty of eye-locking lasts about 4 measures. Then i go into some sweet-ass fill and forget about it.
We end the show like pros. We walk offstage. I look into the crowd again, and i see her in the same place, standing just as still as before, drilling her stare into my like space-age lazer beams.
The band hops into our van and we split for home. I don't look back.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
Friday, September 16, 2005
rainy friday.
Today, there was rain.
I guess for most people, that would be depressing. People seem to have this obsession with the sun for some reason. They always go to places like California and Flordia looking for sunshine. They like ot hit up the beaches and lay it the stuff, for hours on end. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the heck someone would want to go seek after the sun. I seek after grey.
I say I seek after grey because it's got all the same stuff as rainy weather does, cept without the wet part. I went on a walk today and got caught in big, drippy raindrops. That didn't go over well with my pj pants, they're still kinda wet. =\. Wet is cold, and cold is uncomfy. Thus, rain is only a good deal if you are dressed for the occasion. But i love it anyways. It puts the world in a differnt light.
Take the beach for example. You head out to any beach about 1:00 in the afternoon on a sunnny day, and there's going to be people in their bathing suits with their kites and little kids, all of them running around, building sandcastles and getting in sandfights, and there will be mothers shouting to their children, "Oh no little Johnny, don't go out to far in the water! DON'T LETIT GET UP PAST YOUR ANKLES JOHNNY!!", and fathers drinking beer and thinking about whats on tv back home, and pre-teen boys and girls walking around trying to look like emo kids, even though emo kids are never at the beach.
But if you show up to the coast about 7:00 in the morning, there is no sun. No people either. The only thing you hear is the gulls yawning and the roar of the waves. With the sun's brilliant and overbearing rays absent, you can begin to see the beach for what it truly is. Nothing. Theres no excitment here, none whatsoever. Everything is absorbed either into the grey sky or the sea itself. There is no sound except what comes out of your mind.
I veiw the beach in early morning as a canvas. You are free to make of it what you wish, to see what you want to see. The sand is coarse in your hands, and the salt in the air stings your eyes. The waves gently chase sound away from your ears, and you are free from the world, with your thoughts as your only companion. As you pick up the sand in you hands, and cast it to the wind, they become your cares. They float through the air, and you can see them for what they really are.
Rain in the 'burbs is a different thing altogether. It's like a muted celebration of the world around us. Every light becomes just a little bit brighter, and everything warm becomes a little bit warmer. The rain slows down time, and lets it linger for a moment. The sound of rain is unique, cold but gentle. Its touch is smooth, yet sharp at the same time. And if you stand out in the rain for too long, you get wet. You hafta go inside and put on new clothes. I do not know why that's relavent, but it seems to fit.
I wish i was at the beach, with my camera, a couple of rolls of film, and a certian someone.
--josh
I guess for most people, that would be depressing. People seem to have this obsession with the sun for some reason. They always go to places like California and Flordia looking for sunshine. They like ot hit up the beaches and lay it the stuff, for hours on end. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the heck someone would want to go seek after the sun. I seek after grey.
I say I seek after grey because it's got all the same stuff as rainy weather does, cept without the wet part. I went on a walk today and got caught in big, drippy raindrops. That didn't go over well with my pj pants, they're still kinda wet. =\. Wet is cold, and cold is uncomfy. Thus, rain is only a good deal if you are dressed for the occasion. But i love it anyways. It puts the world in a differnt light.
Take the beach for example. You head out to any beach about 1:00 in the afternoon on a sunnny day, and there's going to be people in their bathing suits with their kites and little kids, all of them running around, building sandcastles and getting in sandfights, and there will be mothers shouting to their children, "Oh no little Johnny, don't go out to far in the water! DON'T LETIT GET UP PAST YOUR ANKLES JOHNNY!!", and fathers drinking beer and thinking about whats on tv back home, and pre-teen boys and girls walking around trying to look like emo kids, even though emo kids are never at the beach.
But if you show up to the coast about 7:00 in the morning, there is no sun. No people either. The only thing you hear is the gulls yawning and the roar of the waves. With the sun's brilliant and overbearing rays absent, you can begin to see the beach for what it truly is. Nothing. Theres no excitment here, none whatsoever. Everything is absorbed either into the grey sky or the sea itself. There is no sound except what comes out of your mind.
I veiw the beach in early morning as a canvas. You are free to make of it what you wish, to see what you want to see. The sand is coarse in your hands, and the salt in the air stings your eyes. The waves gently chase sound away from your ears, and you are free from the world, with your thoughts as your only companion. As you pick up the sand in you hands, and cast it to the wind, they become your cares. They float through the air, and you can see them for what they really are.
Rain in the 'burbs is a different thing altogether. It's like a muted celebration of the world around us. Every light becomes just a little bit brighter, and everything warm becomes a little bit warmer. The rain slows down time, and lets it linger for a moment. The sound of rain is unique, cold but gentle. Its touch is smooth, yet sharp at the same time. And if you stand out in the rain for too long, you get wet. You hafta go inside and put on new clothes. I do not know why that's relavent, but it seems to fit.
I wish i was at the beach, with my camera, a couple of rolls of film, and a certian someone.
--josh
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
falling up
Ever feel like the world is upside-down?
Sometimes I wonder if it actually is. Stuff seems so messed up these days. I don't know if I'm falling or slipping or what. What I say and what I feel don't line up anymore. My priorities aren't lining up with my beliefs. And what I do doesn't line up with what I should be doing. It's like trying to fly a plane at night with broken instruments. The artificial horizon tells me i'm sideways, the altimiter tells me i'm crashed into the ground already, and the compass is alternating between northeast and south. I'm so lost. God is here somewhere, but I can't feel his hand just now. And no matter how much I call for him I just can't seem to put my finger on where he is exactly. However, a plane in this situation should have crashed long before now, so I know he's here somewheres.
I suppose most of this has to do with the fact that I'm falling for one of my best friends. In all honesty, I think that I went insane over it the other day. Literally. We're talking padded cell insane. God hasn't ever really given me any luck with love over the course of my life, and this is the closest I feel like I've ever gotten to dating someone thats really, truly good for me. I'm not saying this girl should be my wife, but dating's the way you figure out who that person is. In all truth, I really hope my wife ends up being just a lil bit like this girl. She's not extraordinary at first glance, but theres something about her that just... I can't even explain it. She's kinder than kind, and does things for others that no one else would do, at the expense of her own reputation. She is awesome. I've loved her as a friend for forever, and now i'm falling for her.
It isn't a good postition to be in by any means. Even if she agrees with me that we'd be awesome for each other, she doesn't like me. And I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough some how. And like theres no way to be good enough. Right now, I would give almost anything to be good enough. But that isn't something I can obtain, it's just something I either am or am not. I'd like to think that my likeability is something she can choose, but I myself cannot choose to not fall for her. Belive me, I've tried. And in the midst of this all, I wonder what the crap God is doing with this and why he's letting this go down.
Then again, God let me get totured for years with no seeming purpose. And those experiences have saved souls and lives in his hands.
Trusting people, trusting God, trust is just hard.
--josh
Sometimes I wonder if it actually is. Stuff seems so messed up these days. I don't know if I'm falling or slipping or what. What I say and what I feel don't line up anymore. My priorities aren't lining up with my beliefs. And what I do doesn't line up with what I should be doing. It's like trying to fly a plane at night with broken instruments. The artificial horizon tells me i'm sideways, the altimiter tells me i'm crashed into the ground already, and the compass is alternating between northeast and south. I'm so lost. God is here somewhere, but I can't feel his hand just now. And no matter how much I call for him I just can't seem to put my finger on where he is exactly. However, a plane in this situation should have crashed long before now, so I know he's here somewheres.
I suppose most of this has to do with the fact that I'm falling for one of my best friends. In all honesty, I think that I went insane over it the other day. Literally. We're talking padded cell insane. God hasn't ever really given me any luck with love over the course of my life, and this is the closest I feel like I've ever gotten to dating someone thats really, truly good for me. I'm not saying this girl should be my wife, but dating's the way you figure out who that person is. In all truth, I really hope my wife ends up being just a lil bit like this girl. She's not extraordinary at first glance, but theres something about her that just... I can't even explain it. She's kinder than kind, and does things for others that no one else would do, at the expense of her own reputation. She is awesome. I've loved her as a friend for forever, and now i'm falling for her.
It isn't a good postition to be in by any means. Even if she agrees with me that we'd be awesome for each other, she doesn't like me. And I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough some how. And like theres no way to be good enough. Right now, I would give almost anything to be good enough. But that isn't something I can obtain, it's just something I either am or am not. I'd like to think that my likeability is something she can choose, but I myself cannot choose to not fall for her. Belive me, I've tried. And in the midst of this all, I wonder what the crap God is doing with this and why he's letting this go down.
Then again, God let me get totured for years with no seeming purpose. And those experiences have saved souls and lives in his hands.
Trusting people, trusting God, trust is just hard.
--josh
Arrgghh.
I am so tired right now. Tired of school. Tired of work. Tired of homework. Tired of girl. Tired of friends. Tired of parents. Tired of being a good kid. Tired of always coming in last place. Tired of waiting for something to happen.
I need a break. Anyone wanna go to canada?
I need a break. Anyone wanna go to canada?
Monday, September 12, 2005
monday bloody monday
Today was monday. By default, mondays suck. But ocmpared to sunday, this one looked up.
I woke up this morning and decided that it would be a grand idea to stay in my pjs and go to school in them. It was actually pretty fun. And really comfy. I think there's something to be said for being spontaneous and random. And really comfy.
More than anything, today was much more peaceful than yesterday. I was able to clear my head and heart a little bit. I realize that i need to give God whats his, which is my head and heart. If i do, he'll take care of me. May not be in the way i expect or want, but itll be in the right way.
--josh
I woke up this morning and decided that it would be a grand idea to stay in my pjs and go to school in them. It was actually pretty fun. And really comfy. I think there's something to be said for being spontaneous and random. And really comfy.
More than anything, today was much more peaceful than yesterday. I was able to clear my head and heart a little bit. I realize that i need to give God whats his, which is my head and heart. If i do, he'll take care of me. May not be in the way i expect or want, but itll be in the right way.
--josh
Sunday, September 11, 2005
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