Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
marching bands of manhattan
If I could open my arms
and span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are
making a lake of the East River and Hudson
And if I could open my mouth
wide enough for a marching band to march out of
they would make your name sing
and bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings.
I wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
that I live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna...
and span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are
making a lake of the East River and Hudson
And if I could open my mouth
wide enough for a marching band to march out of
they would make your name sing
and bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings.
I wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
that I live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna...
the Desire
I have an interesting connundrum before me.
I have a lesson to learn about God's perfect love. Its been coming to me for a while now. Because of several different things, I have been lately looking for emotional fufilment in places besides God's heart. This is something that needs to be remedied.
Tonight, i found myself talking through this with a friend of mine. The way i get to a problem is to say everything i think about it until something stops making sense to me and i can figure out why. I got there tonight.
I have an esteem complex. I really do not see myself as an attractive person, due to many things people have said/done to me in the past, and in my narrow High School world that makes me not as good as everyone surrounding me who is. I spent a weekend at CuddleFest 2005 (gotta love church kids on a ministry retreat, damn) and i couldnt figure out whether i was more frustrated with the fact that i had to look at it all the time or the fact that it was not me being laid on top of. Thus tonight i'm feeling especially ugly. Woohoo, less complaining more explaining.
So, in my mind, in order for something(s) that people have made clear to me over and over and over again (or perhaps they havent, and i'm just a negative nancy. No matter at this point) to all of a sudden be untrue, someone hasta prove it to me. In this case, someone has to prove to me that i am an attractive and allright guy. Otherwise i'm never going to believe it.
My freind tried to convince me that being attractive isn't all about looks and that intelligence is a much bigger factor. I told her to draw me a map to the magical land where thats actually true, cause i must be in the wrong country. Nobody is proving to me that having a halfway-brilliant hunk of brain upstairs is more attractive than a smooth tounge and nice abs. They are continually telling me the opposite. Example: I have certian friend ask me tonight about the moral implications of her Non-Commital Make Out session with some dude i dont know. I'm not condemning nor commending NCMOs, but the entire time were talking about this i'm thinking, "why didnt she ever consider making out with me on a non-commital basis? I'm a fairly cute guy, and i'm nice! She said so herself!" To my knowledge, no one has ever had a desire to stick their face on mine. At least not a strong enough desire to manifest. And that sort of hurts. Actually, not even sort of. Just hurts.
So since no one is proving to me that i'm an attractive and therefore worthful person in highschool terms, that must mean i'm ugly and worthless, right?
...Jesus didn't think so.
After being educated on the Hebrew cultural context of Jesus's ministry, i understand all the more fully what it meant when jesus chose his disciples. And in turn chose me.
...so Jesus has proven to me that i am worthful. He thinks i'm something special.
therefore, by my own model, i must be something special. He proves it to me by allowing me to be his disciple, his 'talmid', and to try and be just like him.
Back in the day, that was a priviledge that Rabbi such as Jesus only gave to the best of the best.
So logically, i'm worth something.
...but i still want to be wanted by a girl.
...i still really wish my friend was making out non-commital-ly with me instead of the guy i don't know.
...and i still want to be worth something in highschool terms.
as shallow as that is, and as much of a mistake it would be to try and seriously pursue those things, i want them.
I'm almost believing that i've been given a choice.
I really wonder if God would give me those 3 things if i asked for them. If he would allow me to make and therefore learn from that mistake.
(cause after all, no one has thought i was attractive up to now, right? it would take God's intervention for that to happen. ::chuckles softly::)
I wonder.
And i wonder if i have the guts enough to actually ask for it.
--josh
I have a lesson to learn about God's perfect love. Its been coming to me for a while now. Because of several different things, I have been lately looking for emotional fufilment in places besides God's heart. This is something that needs to be remedied.
Tonight, i found myself talking through this with a friend of mine. The way i get to a problem is to say everything i think about it until something stops making sense to me and i can figure out why. I got there tonight.
I have an esteem complex. I really do not see myself as an attractive person, due to many things people have said/done to me in the past, and in my narrow High School world that makes me not as good as everyone surrounding me who is. I spent a weekend at CuddleFest 2005 (gotta love church kids on a ministry retreat, damn) and i couldnt figure out whether i was more frustrated with the fact that i had to look at it all the time or the fact that it was not me being laid on top of. Thus tonight i'm feeling especially ugly. Woohoo, less complaining more explaining.
So, in my mind, in order for something(s) that people have made clear to me over and over and over again (or perhaps they havent, and i'm just a negative nancy. No matter at this point) to all of a sudden be untrue, someone hasta prove it to me. In this case, someone has to prove to me that i am an attractive and allright guy. Otherwise i'm never going to believe it.
My freind tried to convince me that being attractive isn't all about looks and that intelligence is a much bigger factor. I told her to draw me a map to the magical land where thats actually true, cause i must be in the wrong country. Nobody is proving to me that having a halfway-brilliant hunk of brain upstairs is more attractive than a smooth tounge and nice abs. They are continually telling me the opposite. Example: I have certian friend ask me tonight about the moral implications of her Non-Commital Make Out session with some dude i dont know. I'm not condemning nor commending NCMOs, but the entire time were talking about this i'm thinking, "why didnt she ever consider making out with me on a non-commital basis? I'm a fairly cute guy, and i'm nice! She said so herself!" To my knowledge, no one has ever had a desire to stick their face on mine. At least not a strong enough desire to manifest. And that sort of hurts. Actually, not even sort of. Just hurts.
So since no one is proving to me that i'm an attractive and therefore worthful person in highschool terms, that must mean i'm ugly and worthless, right?
...Jesus didn't think so.
After being educated on the Hebrew cultural context of Jesus's ministry, i understand all the more fully what it meant when jesus chose his disciples. And in turn chose me.
...so Jesus has proven to me that i am worthful. He thinks i'm something special.
therefore, by my own model, i must be something special. He proves it to me by allowing me to be his disciple, his 'talmid', and to try and be just like him.
Back in the day, that was a priviledge that Rabbi such as Jesus only gave to the best of the best.
So logically, i'm worth something.
...but i still want to be wanted by a girl.
...i still really wish my friend was making out non-commital-ly with me instead of the guy i don't know.
...and i still want to be worth something in highschool terms.
as shallow as that is, and as much of a mistake it would be to try and seriously pursue those things, i want them.
I'm almost believing that i've been given a choice.
I really wonder if God would give me those 3 things if i asked for them. If he would allow me to make and therefore learn from that mistake.
(cause after all, no one has thought i was attractive up to now, right? it would take God's intervention for that to happen. ::chuckles softly::)
I wonder.
And i wonder if i have the guts enough to actually ask for it.
--josh
Friday, October 21, 2005
ok, spilling time.
In order to sort through things, i need to put down everytihng i feel in one place. Thats what this thing is for. Its not going to be anything new, cause anyone who actually reads this thing already knows whats going through my head.
I never seen myself reduced to such a wreck. I really haven't. I've been distracted by the same freaking thing for 5 months now. My brain has CONSTANTLY been a certian somewhere else. It makes me so angry! For 3 weeks of the summer i was someplace completly isolated from her and i still managed to get distracted. What sort of awesomeness could have taken place if i had been COHERENT?? I feel like i've let christ down. Cause i have. I mean, yeah we all do but this is just pathetic.
This entire thing went from good to great to Height of Awesomeness and immediatly went plunging down into the depths of Ugly and Horrid and Painful. At least for me. Not even sure if she cares. I have felt ugly, unactractive, somewhat worthless, and utterly retarded. And what went down supports all of those things. Its horrible!! And the worst thing is is that i know none of it is true, but i dont know it at the same time.
I have a great need to leave this thing where it belongs, in some pit. I need to drop it and never pick it up again. But i cannot find any way to jettison these feelings, to forget any of it. And i cannot stop thinking about it.
I have driven myself officially mad. And gosh darn it, its frustrating!
I never seen myself reduced to such a wreck. I really haven't. I've been distracted by the same freaking thing for 5 months now. My brain has CONSTANTLY been a certian somewhere else. It makes me so angry! For 3 weeks of the summer i was someplace completly isolated from her and i still managed to get distracted. What sort of awesomeness could have taken place if i had been COHERENT?? I feel like i've let christ down. Cause i have. I mean, yeah we all do but this is just pathetic.
This entire thing went from good to great to Height of Awesomeness and immediatly went plunging down into the depths of Ugly and Horrid and Painful. At least for me. Not even sure if she cares. I have felt ugly, unactractive, somewhat worthless, and utterly retarded. And what went down supports all of those things. Its horrible!! And the worst thing is is that i know none of it is true, but i dont know it at the same time.
I have a great need to leave this thing where it belongs, in some pit. I need to drop it and never pick it up again. But i cannot find any way to jettison these feelings, to forget any of it. And i cannot stop thinking about it.
I have driven myself officially mad. And gosh darn it, its frustrating!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Rock show.
Latley, I've been having a reoccuring daydream.
I'm playing drums at a rock show, with my Hypothetical Band. Our name is The Froidian Symphony, and we're all wearing sweet clothes.
We're playing a song that I wrote the lyrics to. It's about this one girl I used to know. She was very pretty, and stole away like 6 months of my life. Can't say i was that happy about it at the time. So i wrote a song about the experience. It has piercing lyrics and a gut-wrenching, tear-jerking chorus.
(you gotta note, this daydream is like 2 years in the future. And you gotta note that it isnt ever gonna happen, i cant write songs.)
And so i'm playing drums along to my sweet song, and i look out into the crowd. Everyones going nuts, its crazy. Spare for one person. They seem to be standing still amidst the rock-show-chaos.
"Who is that?" i ask. I look at this person closer. It's a short girl. The girl i wrote the song about.
We lock eyes. I read hers and they tell me a story of regret. Of sorrow and shame. She wishes she wasnt there. She wishes i had never writtent the song. And, more than anything, she wishes i never had a reason to write it.
The eterinty of eye-locking lasts about 4 measures. Then i go into some sweet-ass fill and forget about it.
We end the show like pros. We walk offstage. I look into the crowd again, and i see her in the same place, standing just as still as before, drilling her stare into my like space-age lazer beams.
The band hops into our van and we split for home. I don't look back.
I'm playing drums at a rock show, with my Hypothetical Band. Our name is The Froidian Symphony, and we're all wearing sweet clothes.
We're playing a song that I wrote the lyrics to. It's about this one girl I used to know. She was very pretty, and stole away like 6 months of my life. Can't say i was that happy about it at the time. So i wrote a song about the experience. It has piercing lyrics and a gut-wrenching, tear-jerking chorus.
(you gotta note, this daydream is like 2 years in the future. And you gotta note that it isnt ever gonna happen, i cant write songs.)
And so i'm playing drums along to my sweet song, and i look out into the crowd. Everyones going nuts, its crazy. Spare for one person. They seem to be standing still amidst the rock-show-chaos.
"Who is that?" i ask. I look at this person closer. It's a short girl. The girl i wrote the song about.
We lock eyes. I read hers and they tell me a story of regret. Of sorrow and shame. She wishes she wasnt there. She wishes i had never writtent the song. And, more than anything, she wishes i never had a reason to write it.
The eterinty of eye-locking lasts about 4 measures. Then i go into some sweet-ass fill and forget about it.
We end the show like pros. We walk offstage. I look into the crowd again, and i see her in the same place, standing just as still as before, drilling her stare into my like space-age lazer beams.
The band hops into our van and we split for home. I don't look back.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
Friday, September 16, 2005
rainy friday.
Today, there was rain.
I guess for most people, that would be depressing. People seem to have this obsession with the sun for some reason. They always go to places like California and Flordia looking for sunshine. They like ot hit up the beaches and lay it the stuff, for hours on end. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the heck someone would want to go seek after the sun. I seek after grey.
I say I seek after grey because it's got all the same stuff as rainy weather does, cept without the wet part. I went on a walk today and got caught in big, drippy raindrops. That didn't go over well with my pj pants, they're still kinda wet. =\. Wet is cold, and cold is uncomfy. Thus, rain is only a good deal if you are dressed for the occasion. But i love it anyways. It puts the world in a differnt light.
Take the beach for example. You head out to any beach about 1:00 in the afternoon on a sunnny day, and there's going to be people in their bathing suits with their kites and little kids, all of them running around, building sandcastles and getting in sandfights, and there will be mothers shouting to their children, "Oh no little Johnny, don't go out to far in the water! DON'T LETIT GET UP PAST YOUR ANKLES JOHNNY!!", and fathers drinking beer and thinking about whats on tv back home, and pre-teen boys and girls walking around trying to look like emo kids, even though emo kids are never at the beach.
But if you show up to the coast about 7:00 in the morning, there is no sun. No people either. The only thing you hear is the gulls yawning and the roar of the waves. With the sun's brilliant and overbearing rays absent, you can begin to see the beach for what it truly is. Nothing. Theres no excitment here, none whatsoever. Everything is absorbed either into the grey sky or the sea itself. There is no sound except what comes out of your mind.
I veiw the beach in early morning as a canvas. You are free to make of it what you wish, to see what you want to see. The sand is coarse in your hands, and the salt in the air stings your eyes. The waves gently chase sound away from your ears, and you are free from the world, with your thoughts as your only companion. As you pick up the sand in you hands, and cast it to the wind, they become your cares. They float through the air, and you can see them for what they really are.
Rain in the 'burbs is a different thing altogether. It's like a muted celebration of the world around us. Every light becomes just a little bit brighter, and everything warm becomes a little bit warmer. The rain slows down time, and lets it linger for a moment. The sound of rain is unique, cold but gentle. Its touch is smooth, yet sharp at the same time. And if you stand out in the rain for too long, you get wet. You hafta go inside and put on new clothes. I do not know why that's relavent, but it seems to fit.
I wish i was at the beach, with my camera, a couple of rolls of film, and a certian someone.
--josh
I guess for most people, that would be depressing. People seem to have this obsession with the sun for some reason. They always go to places like California and Flordia looking for sunshine. They like ot hit up the beaches and lay it the stuff, for hours on end. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the heck someone would want to go seek after the sun. I seek after grey.
I say I seek after grey because it's got all the same stuff as rainy weather does, cept without the wet part. I went on a walk today and got caught in big, drippy raindrops. That didn't go over well with my pj pants, they're still kinda wet. =\. Wet is cold, and cold is uncomfy. Thus, rain is only a good deal if you are dressed for the occasion. But i love it anyways. It puts the world in a differnt light.
Take the beach for example. You head out to any beach about 1:00 in the afternoon on a sunnny day, and there's going to be people in their bathing suits with their kites and little kids, all of them running around, building sandcastles and getting in sandfights, and there will be mothers shouting to their children, "Oh no little Johnny, don't go out to far in the water! DON'T LETIT GET UP PAST YOUR ANKLES JOHNNY!!", and fathers drinking beer and thinking about whats on tv back home, and pre-teen boys and girls walking around trying to look like emo kids, even though emo kids are never at the beach.
But if you show up to the coast about 7:00 in the morning, there is no sun. No people either. The only thing you hear is the gulls yawning and the roar of the waves. With the sun's brilliant and overbearing rays absent, you can begin to see the beach for what it truly is. Nothing. Theres no excitment here, none whatsoever. Everything is absorbed either into the grey sky or the sea itself. There is no sound except what comes out of your mind.
I veiw the beach in early morning as a canvas. You are free to make of it what you wish, to see what you want to see. The sand is coarse in your hands, and the salt in the air stings your eyes. The waves gently chase sound away from your ears, and you are free from the world, with your thoughts as your only companion. As you pick up the sand in you hands, and cast it to the wind, they become your cares. They float through the air, and you can see them for what they really are.
Rain in the 'burbs is a different thing altogether. It's like a muted celebration of the world around us. Every light becomes just a little bit brighter, and everything warm becomes a little bit warmer. The rain slows down time, and lets it linger for a moment. The sound of rain is unique, cold but gentle. Its touch is smooth, yet sharp at the same time. And if you stand out in the rain for too long, you get wet. You hafta go inside and put on new clothes. I do not know why that's relavent, but it seems to fit.
I wish i was at the beach, with my camera, a couple of rolls of film, and a certian someone.
--josh
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
falling up
Ever feel like the world is upside-down?
Sometimes I wonder if it actually is. Stuff seems so messed up these days. I don't know if I'm falling or slipping or what. What I say and what I feel don't line up anymore. My priorities aren't lining up with my beliefs. And what I do doesn't line up with what I should be doing. It's like trying to fly a plane at night with broken instruments. The artificial horizon tells me i'm sideways, the altimiter tells me i'm crashed into the ground already, and the compass is alternating between northeast and south. I'm so lost. God is here somewhere, but I can't feel his hand just now. And no matter how much I call for him I just can't seem to put my finger on where he is exactly. However, a plane in this situation should have crashed long before now, so I know he's here somewheres.
I suppose most of this has to do with the fact that I'm falling for one of my best friends. In all honesty, I think that I went insane over it the other day. Literally. We're talking padded cell insane. God hasn't ever really given me any luck with love over the course of my life, and this is the closest I feel like I've ever gotten to dating someone thats really, truly good for me. I'm not saying this girl should be my wife, but dating's the way you figure out who that person is. In all truth, I really hope my wife ends up being just a lil bit like this girl. She's not extraordinary at first glance, but theres something about her that just... I can't even explain it. She's kinder than kind, and does things for others that no one else would do, at the expense of her own reputation. She is awesome. I've loved her as a friend for forever, and now i'm falling for her.
It isn't a good postition to be in by any means. Even if she agrees with me that we'd be awesome for each other, she doesn't like me. And I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough some how. And like theres no way to be good enough. Right now, I would give almost anything to be good enough. But that isn't something I can obtain, it's just something I either am or am not. I'd like to think that my likeability is something she can choose, but I myself cannot choose to not fall for her. Belive me, I've tried. And in the midst of this all, I wonder what the crap God is doing with this and why he's letting this go down.
Then again, God let me get totured for years with no seeming purpose. And those experiences have saved souls and lives in his hands.
Trusting people, trusting God, trust is just hard.
--josh
Sometimes I wonder if it actually is. Stuff seems so messed up these days. I don't know if I'm falling or slipping or what. What I say and what I feel don't line up anymore. My priorities aren't lining up with my beliefs. And what I do doesn't line up with what I should be doing. It's like trying to fly a plane at night with broken instruments. The artificial horizon tells me i'm sideways, the altimiter tells me i'm crashed into the ground already, and the compass is alternating between northeast and south. I'm so lost. God is here somewhere, but I can't feel his hand just now. And no matter how much I call for him I just can't seem to put my finger on where he is exactly. However, a plane in this situation should have crashed long before now, so I know he's here somewheres.
I suppose most of this has to do with the fact that I'm falling for one of my best friends. In all honesty, I think that I went insane over it the other day. Literally. We're talking padded cell insane. God hasn't ever really given me any luck with love over the course of my life, and this is the closest I feel like I've ever gotten to dating someone thats really, truly good for me. I'm not saying this girl should be my wife, but dating's the way you figure out who that person is. In all truth, I really hope my wife ends up being just a lil bit like this girl. She's not extraordinary at first glance, but theres something about her that just... I can't even explain it. She's kinder than kind, and does things for others that no one else would do, at the expense of her own reputation. She is awesome. I've loved her as a friend for forever, and now i'm falling for her.
It isn't a good postition to be in by any means. Even if she agrees with me that we'd be awesome for each other, she doesn't like me. And I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough some how. And like theres no way to be good enough. Right now, I would give almost anything to be good enough. But that isn't something I can obtain, it's just something I either am or am not. I'd like to think that my likeability is something she can choose, but I myself cannot choose to not fall for her. Belive me, I've tried. And in the midst of this all, I wonder what the crap God is doing with this and why he's letting this go down.
Then again, God let me get totured for years with no seeming purpose. And those experiences have saved souls and lives in his hands.
Trusting people, trusting God, trust is just hard.
--josh
Arrgghh.
I am so tired right now. Tired of school. Tired of work. Tired of homework. Tired of girl. Tired of friends. Tired of parents. Tired of being a good kid. Tired of always coming in last place. Tired of waiting for something to happen.
I need a break. Anyone wanna go to canada?
I need a break. Anyone wanna go to canada?
Monday, September 12, 2005
monday bloody monday
Today was monday. By default, mondays suck. But ocmpared to sunday, this one looked up.
I woke up this morning and decided that it would be a grand idea to stay in my pjs and go to school in them. It was actually pretty fun. And really comfy. I think there's something to be said for being spontaneous and random. And really comfy.
More than anything, today was much more peaceful than yesterday. I was able to clear my head and heart a little bit. I realize that i need to give God whats his, which is my head and heart. If i do, he'll take care of me. May not be in the way i expect or want, but itll be in the right way.
--josh
I woke up this morning and decided that it would be a grand idea to stay in my pjs and go to school in them. It was actually pretty fun. And really comfy. I think there's something to be said for being spontaneous and random. And really comfy.
More than anything, today was much more peaceful than yesterday. I was able to clear my head and heart a little bit. I realize that i need to give God whats his, which is my head and heart. If i do, he'll take care of me. May not be in the way i expect or want, but itll be in the right way.
--josh
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Overthought
Sometimes we think too much. Theres an overtone of worry and doubt in pretty much every descicion we make as human beings, expecially in our relationships with each other. I mean, let's face it: we skrew up a lot. I know I do. Half the stuff I do crashes and burns, and never has the outcome i imagined or wanted. I don't take risks with people anymore, because I don't want to ruin what I have.
But thats just not good enough. If I'm ever going to be truly happy and at peace, I hafta change something. Even if I get burned, part me is saying that I need to just jump. Wounds heal, I'm in freaking high school. Whats life if you don't live it?
I think about stuff too much. I pray that God tells me what exactly I'm supposed to do. Cause I have no clue.
--josh
But thats just not good enough. If I'm ever going to be truly happy and at peace, I hafta change something. Even if I get burned, part me is saying that I need to just jump. Wounds heal, I'm in freaking high school. Whats life if you don't live it?
I think about stuff too much. I pray that God tells me what exactly I'm supposed to do. Cause I have no clue.
--josh
Thursday, March 10, 2005
I love paintball, but i hate being poor...
Music: "oh" by Dave Matthews
Wow, its only the 10th of the month, and im already completely broke. The only money I have to my name is in possibly-expired gift cards to Borders and Starbucks. I blew $120 of hard-mooched money on one paintball tournament. ONE! And all i have to show for it is a wallet made by everyones favorite paintball/clothing company Empire.
So i payed $120 to show up and have my stupid Dye gun break, get shot at by people who's guns work, and become a walking billboard for a paintball company. Every time i walk into 7-11 to buy some Rockstar, i get to let them know to buy empire! As if these guys don't make enough money as it is. They overcharge for all of their products, from their pants to luggage sets to hats to paintball guns. I guess they even make skate shoes now. Sad thing is, i really like Empire. I really like the wallet they gave me. I have put stickers on my hopper, gun, trumpet case, ect. And i really want those shoes...
But no more about Empire. Back to all the money i dont have. I happen to have expenses besides paintball this month. Such as food. And clothes. All of my clothes are going the way of my money as we speak; all of my pants are falling apart. Even my paintball pants. Right now, I have 3 pairs to choose from to wear. I hafta do laundry 3 times a week.
And dont even get me started about food. There have been way too many days where i have trodded to the library after 3rd period to sleep on a couch because I couldnt mooch $2 off of someone to buy a sandwich. And yes, I know that is a very high prie for a sandwich. My school has this great system of Closed Campus, which means i have to eat cruddy school food at high prices instead of going to MikeyD's and putting my $2 into a virtual feast. Most days my mom makes me a lunch, but on the days when she doesnt....
Sometimes i wonder why i play this overly expensice sport in the first place. Its not as if im winning gear to make up for the expense.
And then I look at the hits on my hands, and I pick up my gun and start playing with the trigger, and I remember.
Its cause im in love with it.
Wow, its only the 10th of the month, and im already completely broke. The only money I have to my name is in possibly-expired gift cards to Borders and Starbucks. I blew $120 of hard-mooched money on one paintball tournament. ONE! And all i have to show for it is a wallet made by everyones favorite paintball/clothing company Empire.
So i payed $120 to show up and have my stupid Dye gun break, get shot at by people who's guns work, and become a walking billboard for a paintball company. Every time i walk into 7-11 to buy some Rockstar, i get to let them know to buy empire! As if these guys don't make enough money as it is. They overcharge for all of their products, from their pants to luggage sets to hats to paintball guns. I guess they even make skate shoes now. Sad thing is, i really like Empire. I really like the wallet they gave me. I have put stickers on my hopper, gun, trumpet case, ect. And i really want those shoes...
But no more about Empire. Back to all the money i dont have. I happen to have expenses besides paintball this month. Such as food. And clothes. All of my clothes are going the way of my money as we speak; all of my pants are falling apart. Even my paintball pants. Right now, I have 3 pairs to choose from to wear. I hafta do laundry 3 times a week.
And dont even get me started about food. There have been way too many days where i have trodded to the library after 3rd period to sleep on a couch because I couldnt mooch $2 off of someone to buy a sandwich. And yes, I know that is a very high prie for a sandwich. My school has this great system of Closed Campus, which means i have to eat cruddy school food at high prices instead of going to MikeyD's and putting my $2 into a virtual feast. Most days my mom makes me a lunch, but on the days when she doesnt....
Sometimes i wonder why i play this overly expensice sport in the first place. Its not as if im winning gear to make up for the expense.
And then I look at the hits on my hands, and I pick up my gun and start playing with the trigger, and I remember.
Its cause im in love with it.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
::yawn::
Wow, this year has gone by so fast. It seems like summer was a month ago, and its already so close to the next one.
I guess thats a good thing though. Noting has really happened to me since summer. The weather around here right now is reminding me of how much i miss it.
I miss being able to see the stars at night. I miss not having to worry about school or anything the next day. I miss sleep.
Most of all, i think i miss the mentality. That everything is perfectly OK.
I guess thats a good thing though. Noting has really happened to me since summer. The weather around here right now is reminding me of how much i miss it.
I miss being able to see the stars at night. I miss not having to worry about school or anything the next day. I miss sleep.
Most of all, i think i miss the mentality. That everything is perfectly OK.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
I feel.... pwned.
For lack of a better term, i feel completely pwned right now. I just finished a buttload of homework, and i still have a buttload to do (gonna hafta wait till tommorow, this dudes out). Why does school keep this constant pressure on me? Do they think i have nothing better to do?
I have been talking to some older people about high school, and i gather that it wasnt the same back in the day. My small group leader TJ and i were getting some food, and he started going off about how much slacked off in high school, and how his grades rocked in spite of it. What the crap is up w/ that? I'm prolly gonna end up w/ a 3.2 or something this trimester, and over half of those are gimmie classes. I had to scramble to keep my math grade from falling. And i did all of the homework! I kinda studied!
And yet, the previous generation got to lae their way through high school, not caring whether their assignments were turned in or not, and not hafta worry about being able to get into college after they were done.
Ill be lucky if i end up going to a state university.
GRR! the system SUCKS!
I have been talking to some older people about high school, and i gather that it wasnt the same back in the day. My small group leader TJ and i were getting some food, and he started going off about how much slacked off in high school, and how his grades rocked in spite of it. What the crap is up w/ that? I'm prolly gonna end up w/ a 3.2 or something this trimester, and over half of those are gimmie classes. I had to scramble to keep my math grade from falling. And i did all of the homework! I kinda studied!
And yet, the previous generation got to lae their way through high school, not caring whether their assignments were turned in or not, and not hafta worry about being able to get into college after they were done.
Ill be lucky if i end up going to a state university.
GRR! the system SUCKS!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Love
I was erading the word last night, and i came across this verse:
"Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks recieves. Everyone who seeks will find. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."
Matthew 7:7-8
When my eyes hit this verse, I thought about my desires. Right now, the one thing I want more than anything is love. So, since the verse says right there that if i ask i will recieve, I asked God for love. Immediatly, images started flowing into m head. Pictures of all these people in my life. People who truly love me.
"Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks recieves. Everyone who seeks will find. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."
Matthew 7:7-8
When my eyes hit this verse, I thought about my desires. Right now, the one thing I want more than anything is love. So, since the verse says right there that if i ask i will recieve, I asked God for love. Immediatly, images started flowing into m head. Pictures of all these people in my life. People who truly love me.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Hymn
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance around Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon my grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgened heart shall burst in vain
But not when love pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well spring lye
*****
--Jars of clay (i love this song)
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance around Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon my grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgened heart shall burst in vain
But not when love pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well spring lye
*****
--Jars of clay (i love this song)
Thursday, February 24, 2005
I think that girls confuse me.... i think....
Wow. It isnt often that i come across someone with a sadder love life than myself. I realized last night that i am the most clueless and oblivious person i know when it comes to girls. I mean, if you ask me to fix your computer, or help you buy a paintball gun, or give you spiritual advice of some sort, i can most likely give you an answer. And if you ask me something that i dont know about, i can prolly find the answer on google.
But the secrets to dealings w/ women arent on google.
I have asked older and wiser people about how i fit into the world of high school dating. They all said it isnt worth it. And as i look around at freinds of mine that are dating, and watch them get together, and break up, and get together again, I am inclined to agree.
But at the same time, what i really want is someone who loves me for who i am, despite all of my faults.
Maybe what im looking for isnt a girlfriend. Maybe i just want a real freind.
but if she was drop-dead gorgeous, so much the better.
--josh
But the secrets to dealings w/ women arent on google.
I have asked older and wiser people about how i fit into the world of high school dating. They all said it isnt worth it. And as i look around at freinds of mine that are dating, and watch them get together, and break up, and get together again, I am inclined to agree.
But at the same time, what i really want is someone who loves me for who i am, despite all of my faults.
Maybe what im looking for isnt a girlfriend. Maybe i just want a real freind.
but if she was drop-dead gorgeous, so much the better.
--josh
Sunday, February 20, 2005
This song describes my heart
Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would
A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
Money
I always thought being rich would be a drag. I always thought that 90% of the fun of having stuff was the anticipation of buying it, the saving up pennies, the waiting for christmas. I mean, you know how it is. You wait and wiat to get something, and when you get it you are really happy with it for a couple hours, or days, and then after that its just yet another thing you own. Take my paintball gun for example. For the longest time, i really really wanted a performance tourney paintball gun. And the fun part of it was wanting to have it. Now, i sitll think that its the sweetest thing ever, and i love that gun to death, but the magic that it held when i first had it is gone. Thats why i was glad i didnt have everything i wanted. If i did, there would be nothing to look forward to.
But right now, i wish more than anything that i had money to throw around. I need to buy paintball equipment, paint, tourney entry fees, computer stuff, new clothes (i have very little clothing right now) and, above all, FOOD. I am almost tempted to put a paypal link in here so that all of you could donate a few bucks to my cause.
Maybe i wish i was rich.
But not too rich.
--josh
But right now, i wish more than anything that i had money to throw around. I need to buy paintball equipment, paint, tourney entry fees, computer stuff, new clothes (i have very little clothing right now) and, above all, FOOD. I am almost tempted to put a paypal link in here so that all of you could donate a few bucks to my cause.
Maybe i wish i was rich.
But not too rich.
--josh
Work Ethic
Some people call sleeping in class laziness. I call it prioritizing my time.
Think about it. I get more than decent grades, the same grades as any average, hardworking student would get. And yet, all those average, hardworking students slave away every day in school, listening to stuff that they dont wanna hear, writing stuff down that they think and know is worthless beyond the classroom door, and doing meaningless work only to have it turned in and become a number on a spreadsheet. For all this pain, they get a B+ in the class and a right to complain on how lame and stupid all of their classes are.
Me? I lazily float on into my first 3 classes, get comfortable in my chair and promplty nod off about half-way. Part of me is still awake, so that if i am called upon to answer a question i do not look like i just woke up. Its sort of this in-between state, a false sleep in which i am still consious. It is somewhat hard to maintain, but it is vital to my strategy. See, i have figured out that half of your grade in a given class is based upon what that teacher thinks of you. If you are kind and respectful, always look like you are paying some degree of attention, and "participate" by turning in assignments (it doesnt matter if all the answers are total BS, as long as you make sure that it looks like you tried), no matter how much sleep you are actually getting during that teacher's lectures, you will get just as good of a grade as the kids who work their tails off every day.
Case in point-- today in spanish class:
--Girl whispers something to generic boy next to her, crumpling sound of paper is heard.
--Our hero feels a dull impact on the base of his neck
Hero: ::yawn:: uuh? (translation: wtf was that?)
--looks in direction of girl
Girl: wake up! and do your work!
Hero: Uhhh....
Girl: If everyone else has to do it, then you have to too!
--This is the part that puzzles me. "Well, since we are all to stupid to figure out that our teacher reads off the frickin answers at the end of the outrageously long worktime, you should have to suffer and fill out this meaningless drivvel too!"
Is it just me, or isnt smart and clever behavior supposed to be rewarded in education? It seems to me that it should be the other way around, I get to sleep because I figured out the system. Better yet, maybe Miss Self-Righteous can get a clue and take a page out of my book. Maybe she would lose that auora of stuck-upness if she got a little more sleep!
Maybe this is the way this should have played out
--Hero is sleeping
--Girl wakes him up
Hero: uuh?(wtf?)
Girl: um, sorry to wake you, oh genious one, but i had a question.
Girl: Why is it that you sleep without fear of being caught clueless in front of the class?
Hero: (brushes off shoulders) Well, my little peasant, i sleep because I have no doubt that the answers will become apparent in due time!
Girl: Oh, I see the Light! I should sleep, just as you do! Can i give you all my money?
Hero: Why, sure!
See, happy ending. I get money, girl gets beauty sleep, we all get answers.
::sigh:: why cant the world be more like my imagination?
--josh
Think about it. I get more than decent grades, the same grades as any average, hardworking student would get. And yet, all those average, hardworking students slave away every day in school, listening to stuff that they dont wanna hear, writing stuff down that they think and know is worthless beyond the classroom door, and doing meaningless work only to have it turned in and become a number on a spreadsheet. For all this pain, they get a B+ in the class and a right to complain on how lame and stupid all of their classes are.
Me? I lazily float on into my first 3 classes, get comfortable in my chair and promplty nod off about half-way. Part of me is still awake, so that if i am called upon to answer a question i do not look like i just woke up. Its sort of this in-between state, a false sleep in which i am still consious. It is somewhat hard to maintain, but it is vital to my strategy. See, i have figured out that half of your grade in a given class is based upon what that teacher thinks of you. If you are kind and respectful, always look like you are paying some degree of attention, and "participate" by turning in assignments (it doesnt matter if all the answers are total BS, as long as you make sure that it looks like you tried), no matter how much sleep you are actually getting during that teacher's lectures, you will get just as good of a grade as the kids who work their tails off every day.
Case in point-- today in spanish class:
--Girl whispers something to generic boy next to her, crumpling sound of paper is heard.
--Our hero feels a dull impact on the base of his neck
Hero: ::yawn:: uuh? (translation: wtf was that?)
--looks in direction of girl
Girl: wake up! and do your work!
Hero: Uhhh....
Girl: If everyone else has to do it, then you have to too!
--This is the part that puzzles me. "Well, since we are all to stupid to figure out that our teacher reads off the frickin answers at the end of the outrageously long worktime, you should have to suffer and fill out this meaningless drivvel too!"
Is it just me, or isnt smart and clever behavior supposed to be rewarded in education? It seems to me that it should be the other way around, I get to sleep because I figured out the system. Better yet, maybe Miss Self-Righteous can get a clue and take a page out of my book. Maybe she would lose that auora of stuck-upness if she got a little more sleep!
Maybe this is the way this should have played out
--Hero is sleeping
--Girl wakes him up
Hero: uuh?(wtf?)
Girl: um, sorry to wake you, oh genious one, but i had a question.
Girl: Why is it that you sleep without fear of being caught clueless in front of the class?
Hero: (brushes off shoulders) Well, my little peasant, i sleep because I have no doubt that the answers will become apparent in due time!
Girl: Oh, I see the Light! I should sleep, just as you do! Can i give you all my money?
Hero: Why, sure!
See, happy ending. I get money, girl gets beauty sleep, we all get answers.
::sigh:: why cant the world be more like my imagination?
--josh
Friday, January 14, 2005
High School Assemblies
I wonder what high school assemblies would be like if me and my freinds ran them. I think we would make a couple changes....
1. Instead of dumb constest involving food or hugging, we would have Air Guitar competitions.
2. We would give out obscenely huge prizes with money out of the athletic department's budget
3. Instead of voting for the prom king and queen, there would just be a huge drunken brawl.
4. Instead of teachers dressing up in costumes, wed have them full-contact football with our varsity team.
5. The entire audience would be covered in a gross food substance at least twice.
6. Instead of the school band playing, we'd ask the freshman class to put together a metal band. Rotten fruit would then be distributed to the other classes.
7. If attendance of a particular class got too low, we'd hrie some bums from downtown portland to fill in.
--josh
1. Instead of dumb constest involving food or hugging, we would have Air Guitar competitions.
2. We would give out obscenely huge prizes with money out of the athletic department's budget
3. Instead of voting for the prom king and queen, there would just be a huge drunken brawl.
4. Instead of teachers dressing up in costumes, wed have them full-contact football with our varsity team.
5. The entire audience would be covered in a gross food substance at least twice.
6. Instead of the school band playing, we'd ask the freshman class to put together a metal band. Rotten fruit would then be distributed to the other classes.
7. If attendance of a particular class got too low, we'd hrie some bums from downtown portland to fill in.
--josh
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The College Experience
the college experience:
1. being utterly, completely poor.
2. Time is a gift to be cherished...then wasted on video games.
3. Friends are the most important things in the world.. esp. those that actually go to class and take notes.
4. Laptops are great for class...to play CS:S on wifi.
5. Caffine is your friend. No really. Like intimately.
6. That one crazy drunk guy in your hall.
7. The frat boys who think they own the world.
8. The sorority girls who think they are the world.
9. Diversity crap that somehow results in white males losing money, and it ends up in the gay pride center.
10. You develop a deep hatred of the bookstore.
11. Loud music can cover the strange noises coming from the next room...
12. Sleep is for suckers...or people that can't afford some form of caffiene.
--by andy catts
1. being utterly, completely poor.
2. Time is a gift to be cherished...then wasted on video games.
3. Friends are the most important things in the world.. esp. those that actually go to class and take notes.
4. Laptops are great for class...to play CS:S on wifi.
5. Caffine is your friend. No really. Like intimately.
6. That one crazy drunk guy in your hall.
7. The frat boys who think they own the world.
8. The sorority girls who think they are the world.
9. Diversity crap that somehow results in white males losing money, and it ends up in the gay pride center.
10. You develop a deep hatred of the bookstore.
11. Loud music can cover the strange noises coming from the next room...
12. Sleep is for suckers...or people that can't afford some form of caffiene.
--by andy catts
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Perhaps I should learn to let go....
I just got back from youth group, and it got me thinking about something. Something that i already knew in my head, and once knew in my heart, but had somehow halfway forgotten. Its one of those simple things, but Satan uses simple things to drive a wedge.
If I cant let go of everything, God cannot make me into who i need to be.
For me, it has been trying to a more popular person, especially with the girls in my life. I guess every 15 year old guy wants to be more popular w/ teh ladies, but it was becoming one of my main focuses. I thought that if i had more freinds, and if I had a gf, it would make me more happy.
So i have been trying very hard to become everyones freind. And in the proscess have begun to lose who i am.
This isnt the first time this has happened. Most of my elementary and middle school days were spent trying not to get hazed by my peers and to get through the day with a minimal ammount of emotional pain (my fellow classmates made short work of that goal). I was always the loser at school. At one point i decided that i was sick of it, but, having the weak personality of someone who had constantly been put down through school, instead of being who I was, i tried to be who everyone else was. This sort of behavior never works, and eventually I figured it out.
But my fight-or-flight instict is to try and be someone who i think everybody will like. And, always, no one ever likes that peson.
The key to being me is to letting God take me where i need to go. if i try to carry the burden of being the guy everyone likes, ill end up being crushed.
So i guess the key here is to let God help me be me.
--josh
If I cant let go of everything, God cannot make me into who i need to be.
For me, it has been trying to a more popular person, especially with the girls in my life. I guess every 15 year old guy wants to be more popular w/ teh ladies, but it was becoming one of my main focuses. I thought that if i had more freinds, and if I had a gf, it would make me more happy.
So i have been trying very hard to become everyones freind. And in the proscess have begun to lose who i am.
This isnt the first time this has happened. Most of my elementary and middle school days were spent trying not to get hazed by my peers and to get through the day with a minimal ammount of emotional pain (my fellow classmates made short work of that goal). I was always the loser at school. At one point i decided that i was sick of it, but, having the weak personality of someone who had constantly been put down through school, instead of being who I was, i tried to be who everyone else was. This sort of behavior never works, and eventually I figured it out.
But my fight-or-flight instict is to try and be someone who i think everybody will like. And, always, no one ever likes that peson.
The key to being me is to letting God take me where i need to go. if i try to carry the burden of being the guy everyone likes, ill end up being crushed.
So i guess the key here is to let God help me be me.
--josh
School is a brainwashing facility
School is all about cramming my and my peers brains into tiny boxes. School is about wasting all of the 6 hours i spend there doing 1 hour worth of learning. School is about trying to make me conform and to become what i am "supposed to be". How the heck would they know what Im supposed to be?
Im sure that school was much better than killing pigs and picking grass, back in the old days when that was all they did. I would have loved to kill some time slouching in a rigid wooden desk, listening to the hott 20something schoolteacher from mississippi or wherever yack about some far off country in the oreint. Learning something that didnt involve plants or dead animals would have rocked my world. But when i look back on, say, the past 2 weeks ive spent at school, i havent learned jack friggin squat. The entire trimester i spent in chemistry last term could have been summed up in about a week of class. So, why should i have to sit in class for friggin ever waiting for the teacher to stop talking? Shouldnt i be eager to learn more?
Well, for now, me and my ipod will rock on for hours and hours waiting for bells to ring.
peace
--Josh
Im sure that school was much better than killing pigs and picking grass, back in the old days when that was all they did. I would have loved to kill some time slouching in a rigid wooden desk, listening to the hott 20something schoolteacher from mississippi or wherever yack about some far off country in the oreint. Learning something that didnt involve plants or dead animals would have rocked my world. But when i look back on, say, the past 2 weeks ive spent at school, i havent learned jack friggin squat. The entire trimester i spent in chemistry last term could have been summed up in about a week of class. So, why should i have to sit in class for friggin ever waiting for the teacher to stop talking? Shouldnt i be eager to learn more?
Well, for now, me and my ipod will rock on for hours and hours waiting for bells to ring.
peace
--Josh
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